7th Heaven
Let's Talk About Sex

Episode Report Card
Sara M: D+ | Grade It Now!
Let's Not, and Say We Did

Matt walks by the Duo of Dumb, listening to some music on his headphones and lamely half-dancing along to it. Upon seeing his sisters, he turns the music off and asks what's going on. From their vague responses to his query, Matt is somehow able to deduce that they were just talking about sex. He can "see it" in their faces. Well, again, if he thought he knew the answer, why did he even ask? Stop wasting my time, Camdens! Mary says that Matt just has sex on his mind because he's trying to think of an idea for his upcoming human sexuality class project. Oh, and Matt? Taking a class on human sexuality does not count as having sex. Because I know that's why you took the course, so I just want you to be fully informed before drop/add period ends. Figuring that it's always a good time to remind the little ladies to remain chaste, Matt tells his sisters not to have sex. "That means you, Mary," he says, even though Mary's single and Lucy's the one with the serious boyfriend. The guitar strums merrily as if brothers telling their younger sisters not to have sex is normal and not creepy at all.

The shot of RevCam hugging Lucy in the opening credits would be so much sweeter if I didn't see the episode it was from and thus know that he was hugging her because she just got her period.

The Opening Credits Timewaster consists of female hands picking up car seats with ugly baby dolls in them. Not to worry, fans of racial segregation -- the white women take the white dolls and the black woman takes the black doll. No interracial marriages implied here! Three pregnant women stand in a very tight circle and pat each other's bellies, like, do pregnant women actually do that? I tried to ask my mom, who was watching the show with me and has first-hand experience, but this show had already bored her to death so she couldn't respond. Pregnant women and their partners sit on blankets and put diapers on the baby dolls. Some of the birthing-team pairs consist of two women, but I doubt that this is any sort of reference to homosexual relationships, since, again, this is 7th Heaven we're talking about and any homosexual couples who lived in Glenoak would have been run out of town by RevCam and the Glenoak police force long ago.

Annie walks in and the instructor welcomes her to the "My First Baby" class. Annie says she was actually trying to find the "alternative" birthing class; since she is expecting her sixth and seventh babies, she was planning to try something different. "How about a condom?" a random girl blurts out. Okay, that was pretty awesome, albeit extremely rude. Annie frowns, not sure whether she should be offended. I don't even understand why she needs to think about it; if I were Annie I would have already told that girl that her parents should have worn a condom and then stormed out of the class, knocking car seats filled with dolls to the ground with my wildly-swinging handbag. The teacher explains to Annie that the alternative class is on a different day, but that Annie's welcome to join this class as a "visiting Ph.D." "It's okay if you don't have a partner," the teacher says, mistaking Annie for an Evil Single Woman. Annie is quick to set her straight, awkwardly blabbering that she certainly does have a partner, but that he's off signing their son Simon up for a babysitting certification class. Then Annie feels the need to explain to everyone that Simon is taking the class with his girlfriend so that they can earn some extra money. Oh, no! Is awful Deena going to be in this episode too? I don't think I can stand it. RevCam comes in and pronounces that he feels old, surrounded as he is by all these young soon-to-be-parents. This would have been the perfect place for the Condom Bitch to say something, but unfortunately, she chooses to remain silent.

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7th Heaven




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