7th Heaven
Let's Talk About Sex

Episode Report Card
Sara M: D+ | Grade It Now!
Let's Not, and Say We Did

Her hair unflatteringly curled outwards and her lipstick applied way too thickly and in entirely the wrong shade (I'm not even the kind of person who notices these things, but with this show, it's almost impossible not to), Lucy asks Mary what really goes on at those sleepovers. In her heart of hearts, Lucy still believes that, after the lights go out, someone "throws their [sic] sleeping bag on top of someone else's," which sounds like a rather difficult, not mention uncomfortable, way to have sex to me. Mary says she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. Lucy changes the subject slightly and asks Mary when she thinks she'll have sex. Mary says she has a "high-school plan," and that plan is not to have sex in high school. "So when?" Lucy demands to know, "in college?" Mary says she'll think of a "college plan" when she gets to college. Except that, as we now know, Mary never quite makes it to college. She must have had to make an "employed as a flight attendant on a second-rate airline" plan instead. "WHY isn't your plan to WAIT until you're MARRIED?" Lucy asks, as if she's Brenda Starr with all these questions. Except that Brenda Starr was a much better dresser. Mary says that she's too young to imagine getting married, so if she plans to wait until then, she might start to think it's hopeless and just have sex before she's ready. Those were some surprisingly wise words from Mary, even though, at age sixteen, she's only a few years away from marrying age in the family-values-rich world of this show! Mary tells Lucy that if she doesn't stop with the questions, she'll scream for help, to which Lucy smugly replies that if Mary does that, then she'll be forced to tell the help that comes what they were talking about. Oh, got you there, Mary! Except, not really at all. Nevertheless, Mary relents and just sits on the bed with her mouth hanging open.

Jordan calls, and Lucy asks if he just got home. He says that he never calls right when he gets home because that would make him a "wuss." Instead, he walks around for a while collecting his thoughts, and then calls Lucy. Po-tay-to, po-tah-to, Jordan; they're still served whipped and topped with cheese. Jordan says that he's decided not to go to the sleepover after all; he'd rather be with Lucy, providing that she'll agree to go out with him even though he's past his date-making deadline. He has to follow a deadline to date his own girlfriend? Damn you, The Rules! Lucy agrees to Jordan's request for a date, then tells him that, next time, he doesn't have to hide co-ed sleepovers from her: "It's not like I'm going to go Fatal Attraction on you." Oh, please do, Lucy! In lieu of a bunny, you can boil Ruthie. Anyway, Jordan says that he won't be going to any more co-ed sleepovers; his mom wasn't comfortable about it. He thinks his mom is overreacting because, like Mary said, no one's going to fool around when there are a bunch of other people around. And, he adds, if people really want to have sex, they'll find a way to do it no matter what rules their parents make. "So...have you ever found a way?" Lucy asks, trying to be all cool about it but also making her voice rise several octaves as she speaks, which sort of defeats the purpose. Jordan hesitates, and then says that he has, but that he doesn't want to talk about it. I was shocked at this, because from watching this show, I assumed that premarital sex always lead to pregnancy, and I wasn't aware that Jordan had any children.

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7th Heaven




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