7th Heaven
Life And Death, Part I

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Lights up on a city hospital. People in scrubs move rapidly though the corridor until we follow one scrubbed-up guy (complete with white carrying caddy of medical "equipment") to a room, where he says to a reclining woman, "The vampire returns." She looks miffed and whines, "A-GAIN." He says, "Sor-ry!" She says it doesn't hurt as much as having a ten-pound baby push its way out of you. Or, say, recapping 7th Heaven without beers. Oh, wait; I have beers. Sir Scrubs begins to tie off the complaining woman to suck her blood, blah blah. She asks, "You a medical school student?" No, he's just some guy that wandered in off the street. Some creepy guy that means you ill will. In fact, if this were Six Feet Under, I'd say this lady is about to be deceased. But this is SevHev, and...oh, snap. Creepy stuff happens all the time on SevHev! Anyway, Sir Scrubs says that he and his wife are both "medical school students" from California, but he's a "licensed phlebologist," who needs money so he "took this job." And he can keep people from passing out at the sight of needles, ha ha. Also, they have no kids. Holy exposition, Sir Scrubs. Then his wife knocks on the door, and he says, "That's my wife." He finishes up with Complaining Lady and heads out the door with the missus. What a boring-ass intro scene.

Sir Scrubs asks how Missus's "appointment with the witch doctor" went. She didn't get to go, as her doc "had an emergency." He drops off the blood he just drew, and they move rapidly down the corridor together and head into a supply closet. They smooch a bit, and then she says she doesn't want to be pregnant; that's why she's on the pill. Sir Scrubs says that "evidently," he's "stronger than any pill." Oh, boy. Maybe the pill Sir Scrubs is cancels out the pill she takes? That must be one bitter pill. We learn via exposition that they took three home pregnancy tests, and they all came up baby-baby-pirate. And pirates are wild, if you get my Simpsons reference. Sir Scrubs says that "it's a blessing" and they should "take whatever comes." In nine months. They kiss, and hug, and hug and kiss some more. The oboe and violin noodle to the tune of "things are difficult, but everything will probably be all right, in a manner of speaking." Should I know who these people are? Is this Chandler...Hampton's brother? Shit. OH! It's Barry Watson, right? It is.

Credits. Seeeaa-venth heaven! When I see their happy faces, smilin' back at me...seeeaa-venth heaven! Where can you goooooo? When the world don't treat you right? The answer is hoooome! Mmmm! Seeeaa-venth heaven! Woof!

We're back at the whitest urban hospital ever. Ev. Er. RevEric comes in and "comedically" bumbles around. Ha ha, special guest star "Alan Fudge." Ah, Fudge! Eric almost steals something off a hospital dinner tray, but is shamed into more bumbling when an orderly busts him. Finally, he sees Sir Scrubs, a.k.a. Barry Watson. Well, they walk past each other in the corridor, and then they're like, "Dad?" "Son?" Yes. After a few seconds of talk ("So, you work in this hospital? How about that!"), Barry demands to know what his dad's agenda is. Boy, does he ever know his dad. Just when Eric is about to dish, an angry New York doctor type demands Barry get back on rounds, to kiss his ass or something, because Eric doesn't look like a patient to him. Eric watches him go with a smile, murmuring to no one in particular, "My son the doctor." Your son you were just surprised to see after you flew all the way out to New York for...what for, again?

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7th Heaven

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