7th Heaven
Life And Death, Part I

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Peter tucks the twins into bed. They say, "Goodnight, Pet-uw. Can you stay ovuh? You can sweep on the floor. It's vewy comfo-ble. Can you come over tomowow and pway?" Those kids are screaming out for help, y'all.

Xtina heads up to bed, and runs into Happy. "Get away! Shoo!" Peter tells her that Happy is very friendly and won't hurt her. She says she knows, then looks around shiftily. I learned just last week from this show that Dogs Always Know When Things Are Fucked Up. And Xtina must be fucked up, or she wouldn't be hating on Happy.

The Menses Club is still in session. Rox asks Lucy how well she knows Xtina. Not too; she goes through the dog walker bit, and Peter walks in with, "She's a dog walker? She doesn't seem like a dog walker to me." He says bye to Ruthie, and she looks like she couldn't care less. He asks for a powwow outside the He-Girl Meddler-Woman's Club.

Peter is all, what is up, girl. I give you all my love, and still you act cold. It's killing me. Can't you give me some warmth, baby girl? Ruthie is all, "I feel FINE." He leaves, unsatisfied. The Menses Club breaks up too, with Rox still playing hard to get with Chandler, and Cecilia trying to avoid Simon. Ruthie asks Rox about "Mike," but Rox says, "The key to being a good investigator is patience." Mmm-hmm.

Whitebread Urban Hospital. We have a Code Zzz. A Code Zzz! It's thirty minutes in and nothing is gelling! Not like a felon! Not like a melon! Not like Magellan! God, man, get me some suction, I can't see a thing in here! No, wait! There's too much suction! Gah! It's over, we've lost them! Barry rushes down the corridor and pats his dad. An awesome redheaded woman reminds Barry to go check on the woman about to give birth to the ten-pounder, then says that Barry's wife is nice, too. Then she says, "Goodnight, GRAM-PAAAH!" Eric is all, "'Grampa'?" The music is mischievous. Eric does three little takes, like, "Huh? Whuh? Whoa!" Oy.

CamPound. Annie reads a magazine and eats chocolates. It looks good on her. The phone rings, and she answers it lazily. Eric says, "Hello, Grandma." She's all, mffgh? He stage-whispers, "We're gonna be grandparents!" And hangs up. What a doofus.

Chandler is still fuming at the table with Kevin. His phone rings, and Chandler barks, "Finally!" It must be Eric. He says, "He is not a nice guy. Impossible! That's impossible." Then we cut the scene. I hate this goddamn show. ["Preach it." -- Sars]

Simon walks in through the kitchen door, and sees Xtina. She is barely dressed, in teeny shorts and a little sleeveless tee. Perfect sleeping clothes, but not the greatest clothes for walking around a stranger's house that's packed with people and a dog you hate. Simon says he's "not embarrassed, he has three sisters." Xtina says she loves being in a house with home-baked cookies and fresh, cold milk. Is Xtina like the traveling salesman and Simon the father's daughter in this scenario? Simon gives her his jacket, and she brings up prom. She says, "Proms are so magical, don't you think?" He wouldn't know -- he's never been to one. She says, "Poor Simon," and, with her eyes, flirts as heavily as an anvil.

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7th Heaven

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