7th Heaven
Life And Death, Part I

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Cop Station. It's humming with activity, busier even than Whitebread Urban Hospital. Chandler walks in and tells Roxanne goodbye; he's going to New York to see his dad. And when he comes back, he wants to ask Rox something he's been meaning to ask her "since Valentine's Day." Barf. He leaves, and Rox hands Kevin a list of all the Mikes on the force. Because that Xtina? Is a LIAR.

Whitebread Urban Hospital. The real Mr. Hampton is standing over Andrew's bed, yelling at him. Andrew says he's too weak to do it, until Mr. Hampton offers him a thousand dollars cash. "Keep him from coming back here!" Oy.

Lucy walks into her room and sees Xtina, still in her tiny short-short sleep outfit. Lucy asks pointedly if Xtina would break up a high school boyfriend and girlfriend when she herself has a b.f. who's a grown man, on the police force. Xtina says no. "Just because we're going to prom together doesn't mean we're dating!" Ha ha! This is all your fault, Lucy. You must feel like such an idiot.

Drugstore. Peter and Ruthie navigate the aisles. Condoms are there on the shelf, not hanging on a rack like they should be. And right next to the massive display of Tampax Pearl tampons are the pink-boxed, no-name "Tampons." Ruthie says, "I can't AFFORD to be a woman." Then get a job, you lazy beast. Peter says they're cheaper at the grocery store. Ruthie snaps that he knows too much. And why can't she tell anyone in her family? Ruthie says there'll be "presents, laughter, a special dinner...[she] doesn't want that!" You mean, in a house with a million kids, there'll be a CELEBRATION of menses, and she's stupid enough to GO OUT FOR TAMPONS? That house should be overflowing with tampons, with Lucy and Annie around. They proceed to the counter, where Glenoak's nosiest druggist greets each child by name, then says, "Peter, this isn't your usual brand!" SHUT UP, DRUGGIST. Peter says he "isn't shopping for [his] mom, but thanks for caring." "THANKS FOR CARING"?! Oh my fucking god. The box of tampons is pricey: $7.49. The kids leave, and the druggist vamps and pouts for the camera, like, oh, shit -- that ugly Camden kid got her period! Isn't that sumpthin'.

Whitebread Urban Zzzz. Barry fondles his vibrating phone, then checks in on the complaining pregnant woman. She says the birth was fine; then he TAKES THE CALL. He and Sarah make up, and the formerly pregnant woman goes, "Caaareful...that's how I got here." Oh, gawd.

Annie and Sarah talk on the phone. The last few episodes have been far too phone-y. Whatever happened to "show, don't tell"? This is all tell. It's not even tell, it's blah blah blah. Annie tells Sarah to "get her sleep," and Sarah's battery cuts out before they can clarify that she is not preggers. Annie gets off the phone, and Lucy runs into the kitchen saying, "Did you know...?" Annie finishes her sentence; Barry and Sarah are preggers. Lucy is surprised. Birth control and medical school and all that. Annie says she got pregnant with the twins while on the pill. "There are surprises in life! Woonnnnderful surprises." Lucy looks at her watch and says, "The twelfth?" Then she grabs the paper and reads it worriedly, then clutches her stomach and hears Annie say again, "There are surprises in life! Woonnnnderful surprises." She rolls her eyes and the music gets playful and didn't she just get married THREE WEEKS AGO? I hate this show. Oh great, it's "to be continued."

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7th Heaven




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