7th Heaven
Life And Death, Part II

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Die already

Lights up on Cecilia's house. Framing the white house is one single, lovely rose. Oh, beauty. How fleeting and rare it is to catch a glimpse of you. Because in the very next shot are Simon and Cecilia. Two uggos if ever there were uggos. I think that at some point this season, when no one was looking, Simon became a man. Maybe he didn't tell anyone, like how Ruthie didn't tell any of her huge family that she started bleeding last week. I mean, Simon looks bigger, his hair is darker, and those sideburns he's sporting look like they want to pick a fight with his eyebrows. Seriously, those sideburns could beat up Jason Priestley and Elvis if they wanted to. Is Simon moonlighting as a Neil Diamond impersonator? Or does he have a gig during hiatus as an awesomely bad hair model for an ironic coffee table book? Anyway, like anyone cares, Simon and Cecilia are fighting about prom. Yes, what about prom, Simon. What! About! Prom! Say it. Just say it. I want to hear you say it! Simon is taking, um, what's her face. Xtina. The girl Lucy had a class with once and let move into her home, who then seduced Simon and bent his will, apparently no stronger than a plastic fork near a campfire, to make him take her to prom. Which Cecilia didn't even want to go to, for her own stupid reasons. But now, she's mad. At Simon, and at Xtina. Want to say it with me? Shut up, Cecilia. Doesn't that feel good?

The newest little bleeder in Glenoak, a.k.a. Ruthie, strolls into her room with her honking box of expensive tampons (remember, they were $7.49?) and thanks Peter for going with her. Wait, isn't he going to show her how to insert them? No lecture on toxic shock syndrome? What about a gentle reminder to start with deodorant? Saint Peter says she should tell her family. Ruthie snaps that he should mind his own business. What a bitch. He sighs spinelessly. When she apologizes, he says that "it's an emotional time, no apology is necessary." Wow, he's whipped before he even got laid! Way to go, Peter's mom.

Lucy bites her nails and studies her calendar. You know something I love about this show? The lack of story arc over the season has made it incredibly easy for me to pick up in place of Cate and recap with ease. I mean, this is the season finale. Eric had major surgery and was out of work for months; he even had a huge spiritual crisis about it. He was über-jealous of his replacement, Chandler...Hampton. And Lucy was jealous of Roxanne's proximity to Kevin. But this week, the season ender, is all about shit that started up last week. Nice arc-ing, Brenda. Not. Anyway, when Lucy hears Kevin stomping up the stairs, she jumps a mile and hides the calendar in her desk, all to goofy music. When Kevin offers her a weekend's worth of dating options, she says she just needs some time to herself. Kevin shuffles off robotically, and Lucy calls Mary, who is in the air and "will call back when [she's] on the ground." Lucy hangs up and bites her nails some more.

Chandler...Hampton is on the phone with Roxanne. Wow, we haven't even hit the credits yet and we've got two phone conversations under our collective hypothetical belts. Chandler is stuck in Kansas. He was en route to see his dad. And he never should have sent Eric to talk to him on his behalf. What? Last week Chandler acted like Eric just went off on his own! Oh, who cares.

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7th Heaven




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