Eric, back at Whitebread General, confronts the real Mr. Chandler...Hampton's father (played by Dan Lauria, who really should have better things to do). Tries to walk away from the nosiest minister, who hollers after him that he "can't run away from [his] son!" Dan Lauria bellows that he can make the Rev "very uncomfortable!" Ooh, scary. Eric screeches, "I want you to talk to your son!" Then he tells a lie about "haunting" Dan Lauria, and "camping out in the halls" and "never leaving" until Dan agrees to talk to Chandler. Dan looks wary, then agrees to talk to Chandler on the phone. Barry Watson walks up and tells his dad to come on, since it takes an hour to get to the airport. Airport? Did Reverend Eric just "hustle" Dan Lauria? Eric shrugs uncomfortably. Dan reminds him that he and Chandler "aren't going to solve everything with just one phone call." Eric can live with that. The music is hopeful, and Dan Lauria is smiling. Wow, what a fast turnaround. The handiwork of one Miss Brenda "No Story Arc Longer Than Two Weeks, Ever" Hampton.
CamPound. Kevin walks into the kitchen and sees Xtina. Hello, he says. She looks like she wants to get away. He's all, "Do I...know you? No, I DO know you." She's all, "Please don't know me, okay, or tell anyone how I know you, or that I know you." Ooh, someone knows Xtina. Perhaps biblically.
Mary enters Dan Lauria's hospital room, eyes wet and glistening. Wow, the security measures at Whitebread General must be incredibly lax. She asks Dan if her dad was just there, and he says he just left with her brother; something about the airport? Her lower lip quivers as she says she was just at the airport. Here come the waterworks! Waah waah, her family is gonna KILL her! Waah! She grabs Dan in an embrace, and he lets her. Oy.
CamPound. Lucy is still pacing and sighing and clutching her abdomen. Kevin comes upstairs with white bags that presumably hold her "favorite: Chow Dynasty." Oy. Lucy says that was nice of him. Kevin says, "Don't worry, I'm not staying," and I laugh. Then Kevin drops the bomb: He knows Xtina. He "met her down at the police station." But she doesn't date that cop Mike. "She dates a lot of guys, but no cops. She's what you might call a professional dater." Ha ha! She's a hooker! Xtina Hooker. Kevin looks at Lucy bemusedly, and Lucy does about four little takes; first she squinches, then squinches harder, then she drops her jaw and widens her eyes, then looks off to the left. It's just that juicy!
Eric and Barry walk through the front door. Annie yelps and clutches them to her bosom, then says they have a visitor. Well, Ruthie's Aunt Flo is visiting. Who else is there? Xtina? No; Larraine Newman. She acts like she's mad at Barry because he "got [her] daughter pregnant," then grabs him and hugs him super-hard, because she's so happy she's gonna be a grandma! And who told her Sarah's pregnant? Well, Barry's mom, Annie, who found out from Eric, who found out from Nurse Redhead. Annie's just glad that "the cat is out of the bag." Eric says, "The baby is out of the bassinet." Ha ha ha! Except that "Sarah isn't pregnant. Sorry. I hope you all aren't too disappointed." All the parents deflate and collapse onto couches. Barry's all, "Whuh? I thought you all were so happy?" Larraine says, "What are you, nuts? You're in your first year of marriage! And your first year of medical school!" Annie agrees that Barry "isn't ready" to be a parent. And they all "can wait" to be grandparents. Barry says that "you people are nuts," and "it's great to be back in the nuthouse!" The parents decide on coffee and cake, but Annie skips out to talk to Ruthie. Larraine asks for "anything stronger." Eric says limply, "Cooking sherry?" Larraine says, "Make mine neat with a twist." Hey, Larraine? He's a minister; he doesn't know what a twist is.