Ruthie sits sadly on her bed, bleeding, bleeding. She's also reading, reading. Her mouth is a sad little bow. The piano weeps for her. She bleeds, alone, alone. Well, she was until Annie walked in and ruined it. Annie says she knows. Why Ruthie has been "emotional and moody and needing more privacy. [She] know[s] [Ruthie] started [her] period. Now is there anything [Ruthie] wants to say?" Ruthie wants to "kill Peter Petrowski." Damn Owskis. They're always up to no good.
Lucy thinks Kevin should tell Simon that his prom date is a hooker. Why ruin the surprise when he gets the bill? That look on his face will be priceless. Kevin says, "She may have retired when she got arrested! Besides, it's just for one night, what's the worst that could happen?" If this were a different kind of show, Simon could rent her out by the hour and be both a hero to his class and help Cecilia pay for college. But nooo. Only the sexless kind of escort gets paid in Glenoak. Lucy says she has to go meet Mary at the Promenade. Kevin is all, whuh? What, they're sisters, they need to talk! What, did Mary just take the Concorde?
Ruthie stomps down the stairs, says hi to her dad, then announces that she has to "go kill Peter Petrowski." Annie follows and announces that Ruthie "just became a woman, yesterday." Eric is all, "She..?" Yup. Larraine covers her mouth and makes a breathy "oh" noise. Ruthie, denied the murder of Peter (it's too late to go over there), stomps back up to her room, and Larraine goes to the kitchen for another sherry. Annie looks tearfully at her husband, who says dumbly, "Ruthie became a woman, yesterday?" Annie starts to blubber and says yeah. Eric hugs her, then asks, "Why are we using the euphemism 'became a woman'?" Because you suck? No, because that's what Peter told her yesterday. Annie blubbers over the fact that Peter knew before she did. Shut up, Annie. You didn't say anything to Ruthie other than that you know! Kids need a little more than that!
Kevin walks into the room just as Barry is getting off the phone with Sarah (drink). Kevin thinks they should go look for Simon, since his prom date is a "professional." You know, a hooker. Barry cocks his head. "Professional?" They run out the door. Simon's virginity must be saved! Saaaaved!
Mary and Lucy, sitting down at the Promenade. Mary thinks Lucy could be pregnant, and that "almost makes [her] feel better." Lucy says when she finds out, she'll tell Kevin and then everyone else. And what's Mary's big news? Oh, she's married. "You think if Dad helps me get it annulled that he'll still tell Mom?" What a fucked-up family. Lucy looks at her like, WTF? Mary says, "Yeah. I'm an idiot." Lucy says, "We're both idiots." Wow, is that a shout-out? The girls head over to the creepiest drugstore ever. Creepy Druggist is all, "Hello Lucy, Mary!" Hello, Creep. I hope Lucy enjoys making his face fall when she asks him for an "early pregnancy test."