7th Heaven
Like A Harlot

Episode Report Card
Sara M: C- | Grade It Now!
Monkey Sex And Strumpets

Hey everyone! Today's episode is entitled "Like A Harlot," and if you don't think that that's the most amazingly ridiculous title for an episode of television ever, then you must not be human. Also, www.tvtome.com says that the German translation for this episode is "Termination Ball," which is probably the coolest name for just about anything. I intend to adopt the term into my daily lexicon.

We open with a shot of the CamPound that, surprisingly, does not include that little red Fisher-Price car that's always in front of the house even though no one's ever used it. And then we're in the kitchen, where Annie is preparing food as per usual, and Simon is walking in with a friend who we've never seen before and will never see again after this episode, also as per usual. Annie tells Simon's friend, Kyle, that it's nice to see him again, as if to imply that he is a regular guest at the house even though we all know he isn't. Those Camden kids go through friends like I go through Termination Balls. And I go through a lot of those. Simon tells Annie, who obviously doesn't care, that he and Kyle had a rough day at school and they need to talk. To each other. Alone. Annie does not say that maybe the little brats should go to Simon's room and talk, because Annie has actual things to do in the kitchen and can't just get up and leave because two eleven-year-olds need some private time. Instead, she leaves, although I don't know how she manages to walk away, seeing as she has no backbone.

Simon and Kyle talk about a film they saw in health class that has changed their lives forever. They wish they had never seen it at all. Ah, I know what they're talking about. That scary-ass fire safety video that says that when a fire starts in your home, you have less than a minute to escape alive, and you have to crawl through your house which, by the way, is thick with black smoke. And then the video ends with graphic details about how you'll die if you don't escape within those first sixty seconds. I know my life wasn't the same after I had to watch it. Lots of sleepless nights for my twelve-year-old self. Lots of 'em. Oh, but Simon is talking about something else -- a video that shows how monkeys "court" other monkeys. I don't see what's so bad about watching a boy monkey buy a root beer float for a girl monkey down at the Soda Shoppe -- oh, I see, what Simon really means is that the video featured monkey sex, but since the writers of this show have no idea how real people speak, they made Simon say "court" instead. Kyle says that the video was like "watching restricted cable, with a grown-up watching you to see if you were thinking anything bad." Simon calls it "the Nature Channel -- with attitude." Unless those monkeys were having themselves some raw, kinky sex, which I doubt (well, unless they were bonobo chimps), then it's more like the Nature Channel on a regular weekday, with no attitude added. Simon says that he will not tell his parents about the video, because then they'll talk to him about sex and he's already heard that talk many times. I'll bet he has, too.

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7th Heaven




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