7th Heaven
Like A Harlot

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Sara M: C- | Grade It Now!
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Monkey Sex And Strumpets

Downstairs, Annie spoons leftover ice cream BACK INTO the Ben and Jerry's carton. If you're so poor that you have to do that, why are you buying tiny cartons of Ben and Jerry's in the first place? And of course, the Camdens' flavor of choice is vanilla. RevCam comes down and asks where everyone is. Annie replies that Kyle and Casey's mom picked them up, and Mary, Lucy, and Simon went to bed. RevCam wonders if they should wait up for Matt. Annie asks if he wants one scoop of ice cream or two, then scoops the nasty half-eaten goo back into the bowl that someone else already used.

Matt and Connie make out in his rockin' station wagon. Connie says she thinks they've done enough, and Matt backs off. Ah ha ha ha ha! Even the school slut rejects your ass, Matt Camden! Connie is surprised that Matt isn't trying to get her to do more, but he says he's man enough to hear the word "no." Connie then loses any cool points she may have accumulated by saying that maybe they should just take a short break and "reconsider."

RevCam walks into the living room with a bowl of ice cream. Annie tells him that that is his third bowl. So that's, like, what, three cartons of Ben and Jerry's? Unless Ben and Jerry's has some kind of deal where they give ministers unlimited free ice cream, I think we can safely say that the church collection plate sponsored tonight's ice cream feeding frenzy. Annie says that RevCam gaining ten pounds won't bring Matt back any faster. RevCam says he thought Annie liked him "with a little meat on [his] bones." I don't even want to think about that. Annie says that she was lying then, which shouldn't surprise anyone since she lies all the time. Sufficiently discouraged, RevCam puts the ice cream down. Whatever, man. You suffered through Annie's poodle hair period; she can suffer through your overweight one.

Simon, Lucy, and Mary peek around the corner of the stairs into the kitchen as Pink Panther-esque music plays. They grab some cold pizza that was just sitting on the countertop waiting to spoil, since Annie's apparently never heard of a marvelous new invention called "refrigeration." RevCam turns the lights on, delighted to have caught his kids awake so he can lecture them. He tells Lucy and Mary not to make anymore dates with strangers. Lucy asks if this means that she's allowed to date now, to which RevCam responds that she is, once she gives the CamRents proof of good judgment. Too bad the continuity department never kept that rule going. Then we wouldn't have had to suffer through all of Lucy's craptastical boyfriends/fianc├ęs or her robo-husband. Before Simon can get away, RevCam tells him it's time for their talk. RevCam asks him what prompted his little friends to ask Mary and Lucy out, to which Simon responds that the monkey sex film is making everyone act weird. He says that the film "ruined everything," because it had no romance, feelings, or love, just monkeys doin' it and a singing zookeeper. Are they trying to say that sex education in schools is wrong? Damn you, Brenda Hampton. And what kind of ridiculous sex ed curriculum includes a video of monkey sex that includes a singing zookeeper? And this is coming from someone whose school's sex education program consisted of two showings of Captain Condom's Video Adventures. Simon says he didn't need to see the video because he already knows enough about sex. RevCam says that other kids aren't lucky enough to have horny parents. Simon says that he's lucky to have Matt to ask, because Matt "knows everything." Ha ha ha ha ha! RevCam eats a slice of pizza. Someone's hungry tonight. Pot munchies or excessive worry? You be the judge.

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7th Heaven

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