7th Heaven
Like A Harlot

Episode Report Card
Sara M: C- | Grade It Now!
Monkey Sex And Strumpets

Annie comes back into the kitchen, so the boys run over to the fridge and crowd around it stupidly as Mary and Lucy come home. Mary attempts to break the boundaries of clothing ugliness with her big bright orange flannel shirt as she and Lucy say that, with the prom coming up tomorrow, their whole school has "pa-rom fever," and get this -- they're hoping to go to the prom with Matt. Like, as his date. Holy crap, that's like the most pathetic thing I think I've ever, ever, ever heard. That's like "still living with your parents over the age of thirty" pathetic. Lucy and Mary promote fairness in the family by saying that they will flip a coin to see who gets to go to the prom with Matt. Annie doesn't think that Matt will go along with this. Wow, when did Annie become the only person in the house with any sense of reality? Mary's holding a banana, thus adding even more sexual connotations to what was already a squicky scene, as she says that since Matt never talks to them at school, no one will know that they're even related to him, so he won't object to taking them to the prom. That doesn't even make sense.

Mary and Lucy run off together as Simon and Kyle finally exit the fridge with piles of food. As they go to Simon's room, Kyle comments that Mary and Lucy are "foxes." Well, my English grandmother says that foxes, which are always getting into her garden and eating her vegetables and pooping all over the place, are all "horrible vermin," and that she would kill every one of them if she had the chance. So I guess Kyle's right. Speaking of horrible vermin, here comes Ruthie. Diabetics in the viewing audience go into comas as skips into the kitchen while humming cheerfully. She's happy because "Snappy the Stegosaurus -- only the coolest dinosaur in the whole world -- is doing a live show tomorrow in Glenoak!" And Ruthie wants to go see it. Annie tells Ruthie that she'll try to arrange it, but Ruthie shouldn't get her hopes up. And here comes Matt. Annie asks him if he has a prom date yet. Matt says he doesn't, but he's not going anyway because the prom is a "couples" thing. Strange, I thought the only people who said that were losers who couldn't get prom dates. I'm just saying.

Clarinet music plays us into the Glenoak Community Church, where RevCam is pretending to look busy by walking around with a book in his hand. Some guy comes in and asks if RevCam has a minute to talk. It turns out he wants to discuss his daughter, "Connie" (does anyone on this show have names that weren't on 1955's "50 Most Popular Names for Boys and Girls" list?), who needs a date to the prom. RevCam doesn't understand how he can help here. Is Connie's dad trying to ask Eric to be his daughter's date to the prom? I'll bet everyone at that gala event will be talking about who's more pathetic -- the guy who brought his sister, or the girl who brought the middle-aged town pastor. It almost makes me wish I could go. Almost. Actually, after a few more minutes of confusion, RevCam finally ascertains that Connie's dad wants Matt to ask Connie to go to the prom. We also learn that Connie's mom died when she was young, and that Dad and Connie don't have a very strong relationship. Hmmm, I smell a Bad Background That Leads To Sin here. You'd think that RevCam would positively jump at the chance to butt into his son's life, but no, he's uncomfortable about asking his son to take Connie to the prom. Hmm, seems like this sense of reality Annie had is contagious. Then Eric says that he thinks that Matt already has a date, and there goes my theory. "No, no!" exclaims Connie's dad, "he doesn't have a date! The whole school's talking about it! According to Connie, Matt Camden is the only other senior without a date for the prom!" Ha ha ha! Matt sucks! RevCam agrees to ask Matt, and says that Connie's dad "certainly [is] plugged into the high school gossip mill," and is that a hint of jealousy I detect in Eric's voice? Connie's dad thanks him and leaves.

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7th Heaven




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