7th Heaven
Like A Harlot

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Monkey Sex And Strumpets

RevCam comes home and says that he had a bad day at work because of Connie's dad. Oh, get a grip, Eric. You'd think that as a minister, a "bad day" would be more in line with having to visit a parishioner's deathbed than having to ask your son to take some girl to the prom. And you can shut up, too, Simon. I never had a "bad day" in junior high when I got to watch videos. Everyone knows that videos mean no class lectures. Anytime a teacher wheeled the TV cart into the classroom, you knew you were about to have a nice, penalty-free, fifty-minute-long nap. Matt walks in and asks what his parents are talking about, so RevCam asks if he would go to the prom with Connie. Matt doesn't think that's a good idea. RevCam asks if that's because Connie isn't pretty or popular enough. Because we are always most defensive when accused of something we're guilty of, Matt gets all huffy that RevCam thinks he is superficial and shallow, so he says he will take Connie, and when RevCam finds out the real reason why he didn't want to take her, he can't say anything about it. Matt leaves. Annie tells RevCam that he needs to talk to his other son as well; Simon saw "the film" today. She says that even though Simon didn't tell her that he saw the film, she could tell by the way he looked when he came home. "A mother knows," she says. A mother knows when her kid has seen monkeys have sex? Damn, that's specific.

The scene-change guitar sounds like a totally crappy version of The Beatles' "Blackbird" as it plays us into Simon seeing Matt in the hallway, and then running away. Yeah, it's rude of Simon to do that in Matt's face, but can you really blame him? Matt wants to know what's going on, because Simon and Kyle were acting "squirrelly" the whole ride home from school. Matt tells Simon he might as well tell him, because he'll find out soon enough anyway. How sad that this is true. Before Simon has the chance to tell Matt about the film, he guesses and says that Simon is now a man because he saw the monkey sex. The Camdens have the weirdest coming-of-age hallmarks.

Lucy and Mary are entertaining themselves by throwing popcorn into each other's mouths. Sadly, they don't choke and die. Instead, the phone rings. Mary answers, then puts her hand over the receiver and tells Lucy that "it's a guy." Lucy is, like, so excited! Then Mary tells her that "it's a friend of Matt's," and Lucy is so super-excited! Then Mary says that the guy calling her has a younger brother and they want to double-date Mary and Lucy tomorrow night and the two girls scream with joy! Mary plays it cool and says that they'll have to ask their parents, and that the guy shouldn't mention this to Matt because he wouldn't like it. Mary says she'll call him back, hangs up, and then the two nitwits scream again. Lucy asks if they know the guys, to which Mary responds, "No, but who cares? It's a DATE!" Then they scream for yet a third time, which leads into Mary doing a strange combination of the "it's your birthday" and the "shopping cart" dances as the scene fades out. Just when I thought the women on this show couldn't get any more pathetic, something like that happens. And it's girls like this who are responsible for those board games like Dream Phone that ruined my childhood. Every time I won that game, it would only be to get asked out by one of the ugly guys, like dorky Jason or smarmy Alan. Once I got Jason three times in arow. Do you know what that does to a girl's self-esteem?

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7th Heaven

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