7th Heaven
Like A Harlot

Episode Report Card
Sara M: C- | Grade It Now!
Monkey Sex And Strumpets

Matt puts on his tux and waits at the bottom of the stairs for Connie to come down. Simon walks up and wants to know where all the little women in the house are, because he's hungry. Annie comes downstairs as Ruthie enters the house with a hilarious purple stain on her dress and demands to know why Annie didn't tell her that Snappy wasn't a real dinosaur. Annie does not respond with, "Because you'd have to be a pretty stupid little girl to think that a dinosaur made out of cheap fabric, with a visible zipper going down its back, whose mouth doesn't really move when it speaks, is real." Instead, she looks upset as Ruthie continues her tirade with, "What's next -- Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny? How many years have you been lying to me? Am I really six?" Okay, CamRents, I think the cat is out of the bag. Time to tell her that she's adopted. Ruthie storms upstairs, stopping only to blame Snappy's portrayer for Ruthie spilling grape juice all over herself. Come on now, Ruthie. We all know that the Snappy lady took one look at your wannabe cute self and threw grape juice from the caterer's table at you to make you go away. I mean, that's what I would do. RevCam acknowledges that taking Ruthie backstage to meet Snappy was a bad idea, but he invited his ex-girlfriend to stop by the CamPound and try to talk to Ruthie later. I bet she takes one look at the place and thanks God that she didn't end up with Eric.

Violins Of Suspense play as Connie comes downstairs. Matt says she looks great, and I'll agree that she does look nice except for that black furry trim around her chest. Actually, she looks much better than Matt, who, despite not having to have his clothes made at home, unwisely chose a tuxedo with an Old West-style bow tie. You know, the kind with the really long ends? Yeah, he's wearing one of those. RevCam turns into my English grandfather when he tells Connie that she "really [does] look quite stunning." The CamRents take some pictures, and Matt and Connie leave for dinner.

RevCam wonders why Matt hesitated about going to the prom with Connie. Simon, Mary, and Lucy laugh. Simon says that, now that he's seen the film, he "knows things." Ah, so watching monkeys have sex automatically activates one's internal whore detector? Mary tries to find words to explain Connie to her parents, but can't think of any because she's stupid. Lucy says that there's a "biblical word" for women like Connie. She's "the high school harlot." I took a class about the Bible only last semester, and I don't recall the term "high school harlot" in there anywhere. Maybe it's in the New Testament. Anyway, "harlot"? I don't even think I can even reference my English grandparents here, because I'm pretty sure they're too young for it. RevCam and Annie exchange glances of horror as Annie makes a mental note to take a shower to get those harlot cooties off of her and then disinfect the house. Then, to add insult to injury, Ruthie comes downstairs and announces that she doesn't believe in God anymore. Okay, that was funny, especially when the CamRents respond by bowing their heads in sadness. The doorbell rings, and Mary and Lucy run to answer the door as Simon says that tonight is probably not ideal for the sex talk.

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7th Heaven




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