7th Heaven
Like A Harlot

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Sara M: C- | Grade It Now!
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Monkey Sex And Strumpets

Mary and Lucy answer the door to reveal...Kyle, and what appears to be his twin brother. Aw, they're wearing cute little suits and they brought matching bouquets of flowers! Lucy and Mary are totally bummed that their dates are little boys. Simon laughs as a Blues Guitar Of Whoops! I Think We Just Broke The Statutory Rape Law plays.

After the commercial, RevCam frets about the state of his oldest son's virginity while Annie says, "Stop worrying! We spent the whole afternoon with Connie. If she's really what Lucy says she is then they ought to give her an Oscar, because all I saw was a shy, nervous, scared girl. She's not a -- she's just -- she's just Connie!" As if the fact that Annie now knows that Connie sleeps around means that Connie must also satisfy her preconceived ideas of what whores are like. And now RevCam and Annie reveal what horrible people they really are when they talk about Eric's ex-girlfriend, who apparently came over during the commercial break. He says he remembers that he broke up with her because of her "baby-talk." Then he launches into an impression of her that sounds less like "baby-talk" than it does "unfortunate woman with a speech impediment who you'd think a Man of God wouldn't be picking on behind her back." Annie tells him to "gwab the pizza! Wet's go!" They laugh and laugh like the jerks they are as they walk to the dining room.

And finally, we get to see Snappy. Besides having that speech impediment, the lady who plays Snappy seems to also have been stricken with a compulsion to always wear her ginormous Snappy costume. This is the only explanation I can think of for why she wears that impractical and bulky thing for the rest of the show. She asks Ruthie what she learned today. "Question authority," Ruthie responds brattily. Girl doesn't know that Santa Claus is fake, but she knows the word "authority"? How consistent. Snappy takes off her dinosaur head and tosses it behind her when the pizza comes, proclaiming pizza to be a "Snappy good time!" Then she says they should all say a blessing first, to which Ruthie asks, "To who?" Annie, RevCam, and Snappy are crestfallen. Blessing finished, Simon decides to ruin everyone's appetite by saying that after dinner, maybe Kyle can show everyone his one chest hair. Lucy looks upset, probably because her date isn't the one with the chest hair.

Matt's senior prom guarantees to be the cheesiest one I've ever seen, as it takes place in the school gymnasium. Connie steers Matt over to a bench behind some bushes and tries to make out with him, but he tries to protect himself from her slatternly ways by telling her that they shouldn't kiss if they haven't even danced first. Connie says that when they go into the prom, everyone will be talking about them, and how Matt is with her for only one reason, so why don't they just fool around? Matt says he doesn't even know Connie yet. That hasn't stopped him before. Connie says that they should get to know each other. Matt agrees, and his first getting-to-know-you question is, "What's it like growing up in a house with only one parent and no brothers or sisters?" You rude, inappropriate git. Then we hear about how Connie's dad never talks about sex with her and is overprotective, and that's why she's the school slut. She gives guys what they want so they'll like her. Matt wonders if she's had any luck finding a guy who does like her for that. Then he goes John Gray on us with his theory of how men and women can interact successfully. He says that guys like to be the pursuers because of their old hunter-gatherer instincts, while women's nurturing instinct makes them want to be pursued. I would be outraged at these gross, clock-setting-back-on-women's-liberation generalizations, but I think Matt might be admitting to the possibility of evolution, so my hopefulness and my anger cancel each other out, leaving me merely indifferent. Matt says that in every relationship there must be a giver and a taker, and that Connie has to make him "dig deep" and "sacrifice." I guess this is why the CamRents have such a "functional" relationship. Because Annie, being a nurturing woman, is a nagging shrew who only provides love after certain conditions have been met, and RevCam, being a manly hunter-gatherer, gets off on that. Matt says that if Connie makes him dance, that would be a sacrifice, because he hates to dance. Connie says okay and stands up, but Matt manfully grabs her arm and tugs her back down to the bench to kiss her, thus showing her that they will kiss only when he wants to. Then he asks her to make him be a gentleman. Connie is confused and asks if this means that Matt's not ruling out..."dancing?" Matt says, "Not ruling it out at all!" The commercial break heightens the suspense of whether or not Matt will lose his precious virginity by doing some horizontal dancing with Connie, the wicked dirty trollop.

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7th Heaven

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