7th Heaven
Little White Lies, Part I

Episode Report Card
Sara M: C- | Grade It Now!
Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Lies

Still at the hospital, Carlos hangs up a pay phone and tells PC that Mary's actually home. But pregnancy is very difficult for "the man," because he now has to fight cross-town traffic to pick up a special pizza for dinner. And it's raining. Oh, bummer, Carlos. That's really much worse, or at least comparable to, what a woman goes through for the entire nine months that she's pregnant. Or, in Mary's case -- wait a minute, how long has she been pregnant? Perhaps Rhodes Scholar Kendull can help me with the math here:

Sara M: [bent over pages and pages of printed recaps and a large flow-chart filled with notations] Let's see, Kendull…Mary told Carlos she was pregnant back in September, but said that she found out about it when she was in Glenoak. We know she was in Glenoak last May, and that she hadn't come home after that, because Peter said that people at church were whispering about how odd it was that she hadn't visited all summer. So how long has Mary been pregnant?
Kendull: [pushes a few buttons on her calculator] Um…twelve months.
Sara M: Thanks, Kendull. In the future, though, could you maybe wear less skanky clothes to our meetings? For I am a Puritan, and so short skirts and tank tops make me uncomfortable, and doubt your academic prowess.

So Mary's been pregnant for twelve fucking months. I did a quick search on Yahoo! to see what this could mean, and either Mary is giving birth to a blue whale, or something very, very wrong is going on. Something that involves the words "stone" and "baby." As well as graphic pictures, which I wasn't aware would be displayed on the webpage, and now I have lost my innocence.

RevCam comes a-knockin' on Martin's door. Martin asks about the new girl downstairs. RevCam says there's a new member of the family. "Oh. Okay," Martin says. You know, I think someone's a little bit jealous! RevCam says they need to have a talk. About Asslee. And Martin. And feelings. And urges. "Urges?" Martin says, laughing in RevCam's face. RevCam attempts once again to explain, but even though he's already had this talk with his two real sons, he can't do it without stammering all over himself. Martin breaks it down: he knows how babies are made, and he and Asslee aren't doing anything that would cause this to happen. And thank god, because, people? Stone babies. They are a reality in our time. Martin assumes that RevCam had a girlfriend when he was Martin's age, and we all know that assuming makes an ass out of "u" and "me," because there's no way a wimpy little dork like RevCam had a girlfriend when he was sixteen. Martin asks if RevCam ever had "urges" with his totally fictional girlfriend. RevCam's all, "Uh…probably," and tries to change the subject. Martin asks if RevCam ever did more than kiss his girlfriend, or did he realize that he wasn't ready for that and decide to "take things slowly." Um…Martin, you are not a normal teenage boy. And what is this show's problem with acknowledging that there are things that come between kissing and sex? Martin leaves RevCam, saying he's tired of telling people about his and Asslee's possible sex lives. "People? What people?" RevCam asks, all jealous.

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7th Heaven




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