7th Heaven
Little White Lies, Part II

Episode Report Card
Sara M: D+ | Grade It Now!
Lies, Lies, Lies, Yeah!

Nothing gets me involved in a show faster than watching pubescent child actors deliver their lines in the most unconvincing way possible. Which is why we begin with Ruthie on the Lame Clear Phone with Peter, yelling at him for being too sick to go to church. Maria said she was looking forward to seeing him there, thus proving that she still doesn't have a good enough grasp on the English language to be able to properly convey sarcasm. Peter doesn't think it's weird that Maria's going to a Protestant church when she's almost definitely Roman Catholic, but he does think it's weird that she want to see him. Ruthie doesn't; she explains that Maria "just got here" because she's on one of those nonexistent junior high one-month student exchange programs and she doesn't have many friends. And really, you'd think Peter, of all people, would be fairly sympathetic to that. But no: Peter says he doesn't like Maria, although he won't give Ruthie a reason why. So Ruthie tells him that she doesn't want to see him anymore, and says she's going to hang up. That's right: this family won't take the three seconds to say a polite "goodbye" on the phone, but they will take significantly longer than that to announce their intention to rudely hang up. It's really pretty incredible. Uh oh! Maria seems to have gotten into the Camden spirit quickly, as she was listening to Ruthie's phone call from behind a plank of wood that Annie, with her master craftsmanship, put up to serve as the bedroom's closet. Which is also the bedroom's doorway.

Mac knocks on Martin's door. Martin's not too happy to see him. Mac tries to apologize, saying he doesn't want to "lose" Martin "over this," but Martin doesn't want to hear it -- until Mac tells him that Asslee dumped him not because of how Mac lied about the sex thing, but because she's been talking to Simon.

Mac walks back down the hall, past RevCam, who's all, "Uh, hi, stranger in my house. I hope you're staying for dinner!" Martin comes out of his room, tells RevCam he doesn't want to talk, and heads into the bathroom. Maria comes downstairs, and RevCam greets her. She immediately tells him that she doesn't want to talk to him, which is very rude, but also understandable. Matt comes out of nowhere, and RevCam starts trying to ask him what he was doing out all night with Heather. Because someone on the writing staff studied comedy's Rule of Threes, Matt doesn't want to talk, either. I think they forgot to study the part of the rule where stuff is supposed to actually be funny, though, because that totally wasn't. RevCam decides to ignore Matt's request because he's already been rejected twice and a third time just might break him. He tells Matt that PC called last night and Peter the Dumbass told her that Matt was out with Heather. Matt leaves in a huff. Because one person has left a scene, another one must enter. So Annie comes in and asks what's going on. RevCam says that something is, but no one's talking. And since this is a show built around several actors who cannot act, people must rely solely on exposition dialogue to tell them how people feel and what's going on. Annie doesn't care because she's so happy that Simon's coming home. "Only for the summer," RevCam says. Annie says that she can dream. Dream what? That Simon drops out of college and lives in the CamPound forever? Annie wasn't too thrilled when Mary tried that.

Chandler stares at his phone like the pathetic loser he is. Jeffrey walks on in and tells Chandler he should just call Kendull and get it over with. Chandler tells Jeffrey that knocking is considered polite in civilized society, although so is saying good-bye before you hang up the phone, and I don't see anyone on this show doing that. Jeffrey says he "know[s] about knocking." But he doesn't do it, probably because he was hoping to enter the house and catch Chandler in a compromising situation. That's the only reason I can think of for someone to just walk on into someone's private home like that. Jeffrey tells Chandler he had better call Kendull before Jeffrey grows up and calls her instead. Oh, ew, Jeffrey. Get your nonexistent hormones under control. Chandler tells Jeffrey that he doesn't like Kendull that way, and she has a boyfriend besides. Jeffrey sniffs and asks Chandler if he "smell[s] that." "Gas?" Chandler says. I guess no one told Jeffrey it's impolite to fart in civilized society. Actually, Jeffrey smells "chicken." I guess that's supposed to be because Chandler's afraid to call Kendull, but really, it just makes it seem like Chandler's house smells like gas and chicken. Mrs. Bink's going to have a fun time cleaning that place out when Chandler moves. Chandler and Jeffrey exit, Chandler doing his little pretend-to-strangle-Jeffrey routine that teases me so.

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7th Heaven




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