7th Heaven

Episode Report Card
Gwen: D | 1 USERS: A+

At the high school, Lucy is strolling the halls in a red skirt and a purple twin set that's about eleven sizes too small. Her lab partner walks up and offers to help her baby-sit the twins that night. I never get his name, because they keep calling each other "husband" and "wife" and "dear" and all that. Lab Boy is carrying their egg, which is adorned with a pink bow.

Lucy and Lab Boy pass Simon, who's hanging around Lulu's locker, waiting for her to throw him a bone. "All right," Lulu's saying, "but don't try to make out with me in front of your brother or anything. I'm not gonna spend Friday night making out in a car while some old guy watches us." Well, she's not much fun, is she? Simon busts out the false sensitivity, saying, "I wouldn't dream of it," when you know he's really crushed and trying to think of a way to make out with her while Matt's not in the car. After all, she is a hot babe. What else are hot babes good for, right? Lulu says, "I don't know why I'm doing this...probably because you're so cute." She smiles to soften her shallowness and struts away in her tight red dress. Simon stares at her ass. I stare at her shoulders, wondering if sophomores regularly purchase strapless bras these days or if they just go without or what.

At Pete's Pizza Parlor, Mary's serving three dorks. One of them asks her to sit and "have a piece" with them. Then he and his two friends laugh as if that meant something funny or obscene. Mary densely declines their offer and asks if they need anything else. One of the guys nods his bleached head and orders Mary's phone number, written on her underwear. Oh, ha, ha. How lame. I try to imagine the smackdown I'd give a guy who used that line, but I can only see myself laughing in his face and saying, "Oh, ha, ha. How lame." The three guys are cracking themselves up, though. They guffaw and say, "Aw, come on!" as Mary rolls her eyes and trudges back to her station.

"Havin' fun yet?" asks some guy behind the bar. It's that guy from Bring It On. You know, the cheerleader boy who took pleasurable advantage of his proximity to the cheerleader girls. I feel bad for him. He should get to guest star in a better show than this. ["Word. ('Camdens sure are number one!')" -- Sars] He tells Mary to let his wife handle the hecklers, because she knows how to deal with customers like that. "Frances is your wife?" Mary asks. Coworker Guy warns Mary to refer to her as Frankie, not Frances. Mary rudely states that Frankie "looks so young." Coworker Guy, whose name tag appears to read "Johnny," explains that Frankie is Mary's age, he's twenty-one, and they got married because they had a baby together. "You know, I thought about getting married last year," says Mary, because she's afraid that Johnny might forget that the world revolves around her. She then creates an opportunity for Johnny to say that he wasn't ready for marriage, but that the baby changed all that.

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7th Heaven




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