7th Heaven

Episode Report Card
Gwen: D | 1 USERS: A+

Matt's walking back from the store, swigging milk out of its container. He sees some chick dancing through the window of some establishment. At first I thought she was Lulu, because she also had long blonde hair and a tight red dress. But I guess it's another hot babe instead. She sways up to the window and beckons, just like you'd expect a moral-less temptress from the fiery depths of hell to do.

Ruthie sulks as Simon calls Matt's answering machine some more and the twins play with an open bag of flour on the floor. Lucy, still in rollers, shows up with her play husband and they haul the twins off to have a bath. Ruthie holds the family-sex-lab egg and tries to grin wickedly.

Annie pigs out on lasagna, saying, "It's just so good to eat someone else's cooking." "Well, I'd love to try yours," says her professor. "My...?" she says stupidly. "Cooking," he reiterates. Oh, okay. Annie thought he was referring to cunnilingus or something. She says he'll have to come over for dinner sometime. He can't, because he doesn't like children. But he teaches Early Childhood Education, Annie points out. I stop caring. Just know that their banter isn't witty, but Annie laughs often. I guess this is 7th Heaven's excuse for flirting. Annie realizes she should have been at the pool hall an hour ago. She uses the prof's cell phone to call Eric there.

Eric's having too much fun playing pool with his bevy of beauties to notice the time. The bartender calls him to the phone. Annie apologizes to him. Eric waves it off and hurries back to his new friends. Annie smiles at her professor -- who is about thirty-seven years younger than she is, by the way -- and shrugs. "Guess you and me will be getting it on tonight, then," I take the shrug to mean.

Simon sulks some more. Lucy's lab partner walks in and they chat. Simon says Lulu told him to call her back when he got his license. Oh, how tragic. "Are you sure Matt committed to taking you?" Lab Boy asks. Because that's how boys his age talk, you know. Simon wonders what could be important enough to make Matt dis his own little brother.

That question is answered with a dark, fuzzy scene of Matt dancing with the girl he just met. There was crappy music, too.

Lucy and her new boyfriend put the twins in their cribs as Annie calls. Apparently, there is a phone in the nursery. They discuss every single detail of the Camden family's day while Annie's professor waits. Lucy hangs up on Annie when she realizes that her egg's missing. She and Lab Boy unfunnily run around the house. Then they go into Ruthie's room, which sports a bitchin' Hello Kitty pillow. Ruthie pretends to be asleep, then scares Lucy and reveals that she has the egg with her under the covers. There's a long, unfunny conversation between the three children. Ruthie makes some supposed-to-be-sage comment about why teenagers shouldn't be parents. I think they wanted this theme to be a shout-out to me as part of the ongoing series of Put-Down Shout-Outs To Gwen Month on 7th Heaven. Yes, last week's episode did make me cry just a little. It's true that I didn't graduate from college and will probably have to become a waitress and take up smoking soon. But I'll have Aaron Spelling know that I was twenty when I gave birth to my first kid, and the word twenty doesn't have "teen" in it. So there. Plus, I stayed home with my kids instead of getting my mom to watch them. And my husband takes me to the pool hall ALL the TIME. So you can quit with the Gwen-bashing now, you bastards.

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7th Heaven




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