7th Heaven
Lost Souls

Episode Report Card
Alex Richmond: D+ | Grade It Now!
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Lost Lunch

Two large pieces of signage inform us of the setting of the scene: One says that "Country and Western Week" is "welcome" at Eddie's. Another neon jobbie says it is "Eddie's Pool Hall." Once again, I don't watch the show regularly, so all the extra spelling out of the intricate nuances that make up 7th Heaven is, at times, useful, but I didn't need two signs. No one does. Shut up, signs. I am not retarded. I can't say the same for everyone watching the show, but I'm not.

Inside Eddie's, a country and western band plays wanly. They say they're "going honky-tonking," but I know better. They're not happy to be there. Unattractive people dance the two-step, some dully, some with a little flair, and I use the word flair in homage to the movie Office Space. There's a woman with a really fat ass performing the two-step backwards. Not pretty. There's a guy so fat it looks like he's carrying triplets. Either these extras are the producer and writer of the show, walking in a la Hitchcock, or they are just random fugly people. Kudos to 7th Heaven for daring to put such "real" people on television! There aren't even people this unattractive on reality shows. Have you seen The Real World this season? The girls are all emaciated hooker-y types who bare their torsos more than necessary, and the guys are all beefy gym rats with their own tubs of gel and shimmery body lotion. I hate them, too. Proof that, ugly or "attractive," you can't win. Lucy wanders into Eddie's, sees Roxanne and Kevin dancing together comfortably and laughing together, and gets bent out of shape. She walks out in a huff. Lucy is so not cute, and jealousy really makes her even less pretty. In fact, Lucy is remarkably similar to one of those wizened apples they wrap a piece of lace around and pass off as a doll. Lucy is a wrinkled apple witch.

She runs out of the pool hall and Chandler...Hampton stops her with a "hey! The fun's in there!" No, it isn't. Lucy, clearly insane, asks if RevLite has ever loved somebody so much that he just totally lost his shit about it. He's all, yeah. And she dumped his ass, too. Loser. He makes a face like he's laughing about it, but it's all creepy and overly anxious. Lucy, in tears, says rapidly that if Kevin wants to break up with her then he can just break up with her. She turns to leave, and RevLite says, "Wait! Talk!" She does the first. I guess the latter is to come. Great.

Credits. Seeeaa-venth heaven! When I see their happy faces, smilin' back at me...Seeeaa-venth heaven! Where can you goooooo! When the world don't treat you right? The answer is hoooome! Mmmm! Seeeaa-venth heaven! Woof!

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7th Heaven

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