And for those of you who were dying to know what the twins' "surprise" is, it's that Cecilia's teaching them to ride bikes. Cecilia tells them that they're ready, she can "feel it." "I don't feel it," says one of the twins, and the other says, "All I feel is afraid," which is a rather sophisticated concept for a three-year-old to express, like, how obvious is it that SamVid have NO IDEA what they're saying, and Cecilia tells them not to worry, because they have on "the proper safety equipment," like, she doesn't say "helmets" or "pads" she says "the proper safety equipment" and maybe "the assistant coach" once taught her to wear "the proper safety equipment." And since I can barely understand what the twins say half the time, and since they're out-acting Asslee anyway, let's just fast-forward.
Back at the rectory or the church or the holy office or whatever, Chandler arrives to find Cruella DeVil waiting for him. Oh, I guess this would be his mother. "So this is where you talk to the Lord, huh? Good for you." she says, and then, "Give me my money. And give Sid his money," and tells Chandler not to let his father rule over them from beyond the grave. Chandler's a little too freaked out by the fact he was just talking to her, and now she's here, and she says, "Yeah, it's called a cell phone" which was pretty funny, and she says she flew in the previous night after her husband's lawyer "lowered the boom." Then she says, "Ouch," which I can relate to. And she tells a rather harrowing tale of having to stay in a hotel with no concierge, twenty-thread-count sheets, and no mini-bar, and she wants Chandler to give her and Sid their money so she can go back to New York, "where civilized people live." And also Sars! ["I don't know how civilized she is -- she's been living without DSL for a week!" -- Wing Chun] So Chandler lectures his mother on how she never had any interest in his father's business, just in the money, and says that giving Sid, a "recovering alcoholic," a million dollars is just plain wrong, which is why Chandler thinks his dad put Chandler in charge. Well, if his dad didn't want Sid to get any money, I suppose he could have stipulated that, couldn't he? Cruella says that the reason Chandler's in charge is because his father wanted to make Chandler miserable even after he died, which is exactly what Chandler said before, and he shakes his head at, I don't know, how he and his mother think alike? Whether he can reconcile his religious beliefs with throttling his mother right there in his office? He says that if she were in charge, she'd burn through all the money and ruin his father's business, and Sid would spend all his money on booze and drugs. Oh, so what? You know Chandler's just going to spend his on ice cream. Mrs. Chandler grabs Chandler's chin and tells him not to force her hand. "What's that supposed to mean?" he says, and she says she didn't come to this "godforsaken" place for a vacation, and that she's not leaving without her money. Incidentally, this conversation is a lot like one I just had with Sars over my payment for the guest recaps of 7th Heaven. Only Sars kicked my arse.