7th Heaven
Monkey Business (1)

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Monkey Business (1)
Rest assured -- the last thing I need to see at the very start of a brand-new season is Mary, but there she is, in her CamPound bedroom, still wearing her JetBlue uniform and talking on the fugly see-through phone. Who thought this would be a good way to start the show? I'm thoroughly surprised that anyone watching didn't just change the channel at that point, but somehow, this episode managed to pull in a record number of viewers. It'll be interesting, though, to see if this episode was ridiculous enough to scare away record numbers of future viewers. Let's see, shall we?

Mary's talking to a new boyfriend, obviously, and she's basically telling him that she's ashamed to introduce him to her parents. Ah, that's the nasty Mary I love to hate. Lucy's still the same nosy, vacuous jerk, as she comes in and barely waits for Mary to hang up the phone (sans a farewell, of course) before she starts prying. The only thing that's different is that Lucy is sporting what may well be the worst hair I have ever seen on this show. It's a long, wispy, feathery "style" that I would have been proud to wear when I was in grade four. Considering that that was the year I was wearing dark denim bellbottoms with big, garish painted flowers on them, you probably wouldn't want to take any fashion or grooming advice from my nine-year-old self. After all, that's the period my parents delicately refer to as my "awkward stage." Unfortunately, someone here has been taking a lot of bad advice, because Lucy's 'do is accompanied by an ugly zippered shirt with stupid little capped sleeves. Her whole look is so gross that it almost distracts me from the dialogue, but since Lucy prying into her sister's business is hardly a new and rare occurrence, I'm really not missing much. The only point of interest is that Mary has apparently broken up with Hunky Firefighter Dude Ben for good. This must have happened sometime over the summer, since I don't remember that from last season. But since last season had me almost comatose with boredom by the end, perhaps that's my bad. In any case, Mary flatly refuses to give in to Lucy's entreaties to introduce the unlucky new man in her life. As Mary walks off, Lucy seethes melodramatically. What a tremendous hardship that must be, not knowing every detail of your adult sister's life. My heart goes out to Lucy. Truly.

Down in the CamKitchen, Pea-Brained Moron Kevin walks in, all suited up for a day of pretending to be a policeman. I prefer to believe that over the possibility of anyone actually hiring him as a cop. Even in Glenoak, they can't be that stupid. Kevin starts annoying me right off the bat by calling Annie "Mom." Annie looks a little irked herself, as she suggests that Kevin just call her by her first name until he "officially" asks Lucy to marry him. Pea-Brained Moron promises that he will do just that, as soon as he thinks Lucy will accept. Annie cannily couches the exposition as a question when she asks him, "You moved here and changed your whole life for her, and you don't think she'll say yes?" PBM Kevin monotones that he's sure she will marry him…eventually. I hate to see such arrogance go unpunished, but since Lucy has recently become so stupid that she probably will marry him someday, I'm sure that will be punishment enough. PBM Kevin asks if it's all right for him to invite his new partner over for dinner. He mentions that she's a rookie. Annie ignores that useless statement and instead reacts with horror to the fact that Kevin will be working with a woman. Either she's missed the fact that in our culture, men and women have been working together for, well, a really long time, or else she's afraid that Lucy will go into a jealous tailspin when she finds out the news. Either possibility makes me too sad for words.

Upstairs, it's time for some more exposition, as Simon walks into Robbie's room and tells him, "You better get over Joy." As exposition goes, it's pretty lame, since the last we heard of International Pop Sensation Joy, she was still engaged to Robbie. What happened, anyway? Wait -- why am I even asking? It's not like I give a damn. Simon tries to hand the phone to Robbie, telling him that there's a woman on the line for him. Robbie frantically motions that he doesn't want to talk to her, so Simon gets back on the phone and lies to the woman, telling her that Robbie's not home, but that he will have Robbie return her call. I hope he was using the mute button before, because otherwise it's a pretty sure bet the mystery woman will see through his lie. And just who was this woman? Simon never gave her name, so all we know about her is that she obviously has very poor taste in men. Still, without a name, I'm not sure how Robbie's going to be able to call her back. Robbie says that he's sworn off women. Unfortunately, we see a close-up of Happy at that moment. You may recall that Happy is a female dog. Hmm, has enough time elapsed since I last made a vulgar joke about a male Camden and Happy with a broken leg for me to use that line again? No? Okay.

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7th Heaven




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