7th Heaven
Monkey Business Deux (2)

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Simon, Portrait of a Teenage Prostitute

The sun rises on the CamPound while, inside the girls' room, Mary noiselessly gathers her stuff together and sneaks out of the room so as not to wake the other two sleeping sisters of mercy. As soon as Mary is out the door, Ruthie and Lucy sit up in bed, and then whirl around to face each other with a simultaneous precision not seen since those Chinese acrobats used to perform on the Ed Sullivan show. "Sooner or later, like it or not, she's going to have that conversation with Dad about Captain Smith!" says Lucy. Hey. It looks like the 7th Heaven stylists just discovered the "Rachel" haircut, realized that it's the hippest thing since the Gibson Girl, and proceeded to blow out the hair of every single cast member on this show with the exception of Lucky the dog. Even Ruthie, who has sleep in her friggin' eyes, has the perfect comb-out as her head arises from her Hello Kitty pillow. "That guy gives me the creeps!" says Ruthie, urging Lucy to say something to Mary about it while she secretly fantasizes about Captain Jack showing up at the CamPound with vague promises of candy and gifts of Hello Kitty products. Lucy would like to talk to Mary, but Mom told everyone not to say anything. "You don't always do what Mom tells you," says Ruthie. "I try," says Lucy. Try? I must have missed that episode. Ruthie reminds Lucy that Mom told her to stop "stringing Kevin along" and agree to marry him already. Lucy defends herself by saying that Kevin never asked her, and he might be interested in his new partner Roxanne anyway. Ruthie insists that Kevin would totally ask Lucy to marry her if he knew she'd say yes. Uh, Ruthie? Since Kevin packed up and moved to Glenoak in order to live on the CamPound after two dates with Lucy, I don't think he suffers too hard from rejection sensitivity. Oh, but then it comes up that both Ruthie and Lucy have said something to Mary about Captain Smith anyway. Whoops! "So do you think anyone can stop Mary from seeing this guy?" asks Ruthie. "It's not likely," says Lucy. At that, they both plunk their heads back down on their pillows, but Lucy remains awake and stares at the camera really really hard.

Theme song. Oh, I don't think that even the mega-irresistible Reese Witherspoon can save Sweet Home Alabama from itself. And I just realized that that's not Matthew McConaughey that she hooks up with. And can I just ask, what the hell is the name of that damn song that goes "you're everywhere I'm going to," sung by that Lilith reject and featured in the coming attractions of just about every movie made since 1999? And what was that "verb" ad for, exactly? You know, the one where that girl dives into the pool of verbs. What are they trying to sell me? And thank God for Campbell's Soup At Hand! At last, I can get ten times my recommended sodium intake without having to stop working at my computer, or even sit down at all for that matter!

Another shot of the CamPound exterior. Tonight's guest stars are Grant Goodeve and someone named Alan Fudge. Hee! His last name is Fudge! And tonight's time-waster features Robbie shaving at the bathroom sink while wearing a ski cap and shivering-a-plenty. There's even a vaguely artistic shot of his face from below the surface of the sink full of water. He leaves the bathroom and runs into heartthrob-come-lately Simon, who asks him if he's "left any hot water" for him. Robbie reveals that there wasn't even any hot water for his shower…thus the ski cap and the shivers a-plenty. You see, apparently Mary hogged it all when she woke up super-early in order to avoid Dad. That's right. You see, there's always hot water for everyone unless Mary wakes up super-early. That's why waking up early to avoid confrontation is a bad thing. "She's going to have to talk to Reverend Camden sooner or later," says Robbie. "Did you talk to her?" asks Simon. Oh course not, insists Robbie; AnnieCam said not to. Oh, but wait, he caved and talked to her anyway. So did Simon. Whoops! The twins enter and say something uncute and reminiscent of Children of the Corn.

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7th Heaven

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