7th Heaven
Monkey Business Deux (2)

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Simon, Portrait of a Teenage Prostitute

Back at school, Simon is walking down the hall with BritneyClone. Only she's ChristianBritneyClone, because there's only a couple of centimeters of midriff exposed below her aqua shirt. BritneyClone wants to hang out sometime, but Simon is "booked." BC wants to know why he's been spending so much time with Claire Cleavage. Okay, which writer on the 7th Heaven staff actually named a character Claire Cleavage. Oh, wait -- that's just her nickname, because Simon tells BC to stop calling her that. He also explains that Claire Cleavage is a paying customer and gets to spend as much time with him as she wants, since it's her dime. Plus they don't really do anything except hang out in the library. "She has kind of a bad reputation," says BC. Uh, how much of a "bad reputation" can Claire Cleavage have if she has to pay for sexless dates? I mean, if she's that easy, you'd think her dance card would be full.

"Did your boyfriend go out with Claire?" asks Simon. "Is this what all of this is about?" "Even my boyfriend wouldn't go out with Claire," says BC. "Plus, he's not my boyfriend. I broke up with him." You see, BC wants to go out on a date with Simon -- a real one that she doesn't have to pay for. Okay, you know that scene in the 1984 film Crimes of Passion where John Laughlin hires Kathleen Turner to have sex with him and afterwards he's all, "Wow, I felt a connection -- I have to see you again," and Kathleen is all, "I'm a hooker, you're a john, don't ruin a perfect relationship"? That's pretty much what Simon tells BC. BC warns Simon to drop the dating service before he gets into real trouble. "And stay away from Claire!" she says, whirling around and stomping down the hall, giving Simon an undisturbed view of her perky buttocks.

RevCam shows up for a mystery appointment by the pool of one of those "singles" apartment complexes. "Reverend Camden?" asks an off-screen male voice. RevCam turns toward the direction of the voice. It's Captain Smith. They make out. No, wait, they don't. Actually, they go off to have a talk about Mary. Whatever.

Back at the CamPound, Kevin confronts Robbie, wanting to know the reason why Robbie would rather be in the house than in the garage apartment. Robbie explains that he likes to feel like part of the family. "If you wanted to be part of the family," says Kevin, "you wouldn't have dated your would-be sister Lucy." Oh please, Kevin, haven't you heard of incest? Kevin asks Robbie once again to move into the garage apartment just as Simon walks by. "I'll take the garage apartment," says Simon. Robbie doesn't think this is a good idea. "Let's ask Mom," says Kevin. Robbie reminds Kevin that Annie isn't Kevin's mom. "She will be when I marry Lucy," says Kevin. "She'll be your mom-in-law," says Robbie. "She'll be my mom," says Kevin. Uh-oh. Simon exits to get the CamRents' approval for him to move into the garage. Robbie tells Kevin that it's not a good idea for Simon to have his own apartment right now. Kevin tells Robbie that Robbie still has feelings for Lucy, and that's the real reason he doesn't want Kevin in the main house. "I don't have feelings for Lucy," says Robbie. "I was never in love with her. I was in love with Mary." Apparently, this is news to Kevin, who didn't even know that Mary and Robbie were once an item. Kevin tells Robbie that he should do something about his lingering feelings for Mary, since he obviously still carries a torch for her. "I thought you called your brother and told him to move here so he and Mary could get back together," says Robbie. Kevin argues that Ben will never take his advice, and urges Robbie yet again to pursue Mary. Robbie accuses Kevin of encouraging his feelings for Mary just so that he won't have any competition for Lucy. Kevin accuses Robbie of having a "little sleepover" in Lucy's room last year. I'm so bored. When is this scene going to end?

Down in the kitchen, Annie doesn't think it's a good idea for Simon to move into the garage. "In what world do sixteen-year-olds have their own apartments, Simon?" The twins, who are still being fed, like, eleven hours later, back her up. Simon argues that Kevin wants to move into the house. Annie has a hard time believing that Kevin would want to give up his privacy and move back in with everyone else. Ruthie enters. "Why would you need your own apartment?" asks Ruthie coyly. "He doesn't," says Annie, putting the kibosh on the whole plan. Simon asks when RevCam is going to be home, obviously hoping to get a second opinion. According to Annie, RevCam is going to be late. "You let Mary date a guy as old as Dad and you won't even let me have my own apartment?" asks Simon. "That's really lame, Simon," says Annie, exiting to go do laundry. Ruthie asks Simon slyly if he needs the garage apartment as an office for the business he's running. Simon drops his head. "Can a guy under eighteen get arrested for soliciting?" asks Ruthie. Simon asks Ruthie how she knows about the escorting. "Deductive reasoning," answers Ruthie. Simon tries to sugarcoat the situation by explaining how he's helping these lonely women, but Ruthie isn't buying it. "If you don't stop," says Ruthie, "something bad is going to happen to you." Kevin enters and tells Ruthie to stop being a "stool pigeon." They have a "sassy" exchange. Ruthie exits. Kevin gives Simon a warning about his escort service leading to nothing but trouble. "Are you going to tell the CamRents?" asks Simon. "As I said before," says Kevin. "No one likes a stool pigeon." Lucy enters with a Mary J. Blige 'do. "Robbie said that you said that Mary told you that Robbie and I slept together," she says. Kevin winces, as he is now officially a stool pigeon. Simon exits. Lucy and Kevin fight about something I don't even want to pay attention to. Kevin resolves the tension by forcing her into a lip lock. "You can't just do that every time I talk to you about something serious," says Lucy, waving her gangsta bitch manicure around and stomping off. "Man, I love that woman," says Kevin to himself.

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