7th Heaven
No Sex, Some Drugs, And A Little Rock And Roll

Episode Report Card
Sara M: A+ | Grade It Now!
Here They Come, Walking Down The Street

RevCam comes into Matt's room with the coffee. He sees that his son is sleeping, so he puts the coffee on his bedside table and tries to tiptoe away. Alas, being RevCam, he cannot resist the urge to snoop through Matt's things, whereupon he finds the bottle of pills Matt's friend gave him. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THIS STUFF?!" RevCam shouts. Matt wakes up, looking about as confused as you'd expect someone who just got woken up by mild-mannered yelling to look, and RevCam repeats himself. As Matt begins to explain, Mary walks up to the doorway and eavesdrops. God, I hate this stupid, nosy family. Matt doesn't understand what Eric's so upset about, since the pills are made from "herbs and stuff." That must have been on the list of ingredients or something, because he's like the third person to describe them as such. RevCam says that not everything that's natural is good for you, and bad things like cocaine, heroin, and morphine all come from plants. Yeah, RevCam, I'll bet you were singing a different tune about that morphine when you were recovering from your open-heart surgery. In fact, I do believe you spent that entire episode impersonating Elvis. Sure, you weren't under the influence of painkillers at all then, you damn hypocrite.

Matt points out that the bottle is still sealed, proving that he hasn't even taken any of those pills, so RevCam can stop lecturing him. RevCam does not stop. Instead, he PSAs that the pills contain ephedrine, "which is just a chemical process away from being methamphetamine." Whoa, seriously? Cool. I mean, not cool. Bad, very bad. Don't do drugs, kids! Matt doesn't understand why the pills are being sold in a health food store if they're so bad for you. "Because ephedrine is classified as a food, not a drug, so it's not regulated the way it should be," RevCam spits angrily, adding that thirteen states have made ephedrine products illegal, and I'm always impressed at RevCam's ability to recall factoids like that. He should be on infomercials selling memory-enhancement systems, not preaching for pennies. When RevCam says that ephedrine has been known to kill people, Mary can stand outside snooping no longer, and enters the room to dramatically tell Eric that she took pills just like those that she got from Diane, who got them from her father. Instead of sitting Mary down and talking to her in a reasonable tone about her experimentation with legal drugs, why it was a bad idea, and how he hopes it won't happen again, RevCam says that he's going to talk to Diane's father, because nothing Mary does is her fault. RevCam tells his son to throw the pills out and tosses them to him, like, throw them out yourself, you lazy bastard. You're standing right next to the trash.

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7th Heaven




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