7th Heaven
No Sex, Some Drugs, And A Little Rock And Roll

Episode Report Card
Sara M: A+ | Grade It Now!
Here They Come, Walking Down The Street

At a playground, Mary and some girls play two-on-two basketball until Mary gets knocked over by a girl wearing a giant T-shirt with a triangle cut out of the neck to make it extra ugly. The girl gives her a hand up and apologizes, but Mary is still kind of pissed. The girl repeats that she's sorry, and Mary asks her to tone the aggressiveness down -- it's only a practice. The two sit on a bench as the girl says that her dad told her that the harder she practices, the better she'll be. Well, sure, but it's probably not a good idea to knock your teammates over, potentially hurting them. You need them to play, too. The girl reaches for a towel, and a bottle full of pills comes flying out of it. Mary picks them up, a judgmental look all over her face, but the girl quickly says that the pills aren't steroids. They're "natural energy boosters" that her dad buys for her from a health food store. And everyone on the team is doing them! The girl puts two pills into her perfectly manicured hands that a real competitive basketball player would never have for practical reasons alone, and offers them to Mary. As is so often the case, Mary is confused.

In a remarkable display of continuity, the opening shot of the CamPound shows the RV parked in the driveway. It looks kind of like the product of a one-night stand between the Partridge Family bus and the Road Rules RV, with the Road Rules RV drinking a lot during the resulting pregnancy. Inside the house, Ruthie chews gum louder than anyone has ever chewed gum before as she wanders around the house. As Simon comes out of the bathroom, she finds his stolen-coffee-filled thermos. Ruthie sneers that she's going to tell on him for drinking coffee again. Simon fronts like he doesn't care, but when Ruthie goes to tell Annie, he stops her and begs her not to. Ruthie says she won't tell if he pays her. He agrees, then closes the door and tells her that he'll pay her even more if she'll do him a little favor. Then he whispers something to her, which is fine by me -- I don't care what the favor is, so I really don't need to hear it.

Downstairs in the CamDen, Eric and his lame ex-bandmates laugh over some old photos. Suddenly and unfortunately, Bald stands up and begins to sing the chorus of Cream's "Sunshine of Your Love." "I've been waiting so long..." he begins, slightly off-key and off-rhythm. "To be where I'm going..." RevCam joins in, springing from his chair and playing the air guitar. Sigh. "In the sunshine of your lo-o-o-o-ve!" the other two members of the band join in to create a four-part disharmony. RevCam apparently has a lot of pent-up rocking out in his system, since he opens his mouth wider than I ever thought was anatomically possible as he sings. They finish their little impromptu jam session with an a cappella rendition of "Sunshine"'s kick-ass power chords while playing air versions of their respective instruments. Then they add a long and dramatic finish, Neil Young style, and sit down back down on the couch. All except RevCam, who continues to pretend to play the guitar and shake a lot, then stops and pronounces that he's still got it. He doesn't say what "it" is, so let's just assume he meant "the ability to ruin what was once an awesome Cream song." RevCam asks his friends what their biggest venue has been. Bald states that it was halftime at a 76ers game. Peter Tork adds that it was just like when The Who played Madison Square Garden, only "smaller and brighter." And stupider. Sideburns says that when they played their third encore, Bald turned to him and said that they were "livin' the dreeeeeam!" RevCam nods his "I'm better than you" nod as he pretends to look impressed.

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7th Heaven




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