We're back from a month and a half of blessed hiatus, and Matt is back home from medical school because he's doing the Columbia Medical School online program now. He takes a whiny Lucy out baby shopping while Annie has a group of women of all ages, none of whom we have ever seen before or were aware of any prior connection to Lucy, over for Lucy's surprise baby shower. Aunt Julie also stops by because Deborah Raffin needs money. After a mix-up in which a nosy store clerk thinks that Matt and Lucy are married, a joke that was played out even before we saw it a few episodes ago, they get themselves stuck in a giant clichÃ© -- I mean, "elevator" -- right as Lucy's going into labor! Eventually, through a series of convoluted coincidences, the entire CamFam (including Simon, excepting Mary) winds up either in or just outside the elevator, with Matt and Kevin arguing over who gets to deliver Lucy's baby, because, like any normal brother, Matt wants to get that close to Lucy's bits. Thankfully, after the quickest labor in the history of ever, Lucy gives birth off-camera so we are spared the same fate. By the time she emerges from the elevator, the baby is three months old and all Lucy's clothes are back on, including her moon boots. In fact, she walks right out of there because apparently giving birth doesn't result in any soreness that would make it difficult to move, so I guess everyone has been lying to me all this time. Kevin and Lucy end up naming their baby "Savannah" because, with Georgia being such a popular vacation destination, that's where they went on their honeymoon. Lucy's so happy to be a mother that she doesn't even tear Kevin a new one for buying her a huge mansion to live in without asking her about it first. RevCam, overjoyed that Lucy and Kevin and their stripper-porno-star-named baby will no longer be living with him, celebrates by donning his Grandpa cardigan and smoking up. And because there just weren't enough squicky incest vibes in this episode, with Matt delivering the baby and Simon desperately wanting to take part, we get Ruthie telling Martin, who she claims to love like a brother, that she's going to marry him. Great.
And we return from a wonderful and refreshing month-and-half-long break for what the previews promise will be the "biggest 7th Heaven event ever." Notice how they didn't say it was the "best," because that would, of course, be a serial killer taking each Camden out, one by one. Starting with Lucy.
We open on Lucy sulking in bed, which was pretty much where we left her. Kevin says he has to go run some errands and tells her not to leave the bed while he's out. Lucy says that her doctor told her she could spend some time on her feet and take "short trips," which is news to me since last I heard, she was on complete bedrest, and I'm pretty sure those orders don't relax as the pregnancy gets closer to its end point. Kevin volunteers to get Lucy whatever she needs. She runs off a list of baby supplies, saying that she still needs to buy all of these things since it looks like no one had the "decency" to throw her a baby shower where she would get all these things for free. Maybe it's because Lucy doesn't have the "decency" to not sit around expecting people to do things for her all the time. I mean, who would even throw Lucy a shower? Her only friend is Roxanne, and she would rather be in Iraq than attending your weekly pizza nights. Take a hint, Lucy. Kevin says he can get everything Lucy needs, prompting her to shriek that Kevin can't do it, even though he just said he could and she told him to. She begs him to take her shopping, saying, "I promise, I'll do it so quickly, I'll be in and out, just like that." How ironic, considering that I bet a line like that from Kevin was what got Lucy pregnant in the first place. Lucy says that Kevin didn't even manage to get the stuff she sent him out for last week, but Kevin says he did -- he's just waiting for Annie to put them together. Well, that's pathetic. Perhaps I should consider reporting my parents to Child Protective Services next time I buy a bookshelf from IKEA and they won't fly across the country to assemble it for me.
Lucy does some more whining about how she needs to go shopping because Kevin knows "nothing" about nursing bras. True, that; I doubt Lucy has ever let him see the things such a device is meant to hold. Kevin three-peats that if Lucy writes everything down, he'll pick it up for her later. He'll have someone help him out with the bra. I have a feeling that any one of Kevin's siblings-in-law would be more than eager to volunteer for that mission. I also think that whoever does end up going should buy those bras in bulk because Lucy strikes me as someone who breast feeds her baby for a long time, to encourage its dependence. Lucy says the fact that no one threw her a baby shower "sucks." Whoa, easy there, Lucy! Such language could bump this "very special episode" up to a PG rating, thus banning it from the V-chipped sets of the majority of this show's audience! Kevin scolds Lucy for her language and plants the requisite kiss on her forehead.
As soon as Kevin leaves, Lucy is out of the bed and putting on some shoes. Matt silently observes this from the hallway, which he can do now that he is apparently taking his med school classes online. At the local library, since the Camdens claim to not have the internet, even though Martin regularly sends emails to his dad from his bedroom. Lucy finally sees Matt and is overjoyed to gain a new sounding board for her complaints about not having a baby shower and needing to shop for baby stuff. Matt says he'd be happy to take Lucy out as long as she has "permission" from her doctor to go. How condescending. Delivering her line in the stop-and-stop method usually preferred by Mackenzie Rosman, Lucy eventually says that she does have permission. Surprisingly, Matt does not ask to see a permission slip before he agrees to take her. Lucy embraces him, causing their heads make contact. A wave of oil gushes forth that flows out of the CamPound and down into a nearby sewer system, where it flows out to pollute the sea and a thousand baby seals die. Next time, Matt and Lucy, try using some Prell.