7th Heaven
Paper Or Plastic?

Episode Report Card
Sara M: F | Grade It Now!
Big Big Shop of Horrors

The EMTs have arrived in the elevator, as has some sort of mattress outfitted with sheets and pillows and a giant teddy bear. You'd think that if you could get all those things into an elevator, you'd be able to get one pregnant woman out, but I guess not. Meanwhile, the EMTs have removed Lucy's heinous half-sweatshirt and...that's it. The rest of her clothes remain on and her knees are pressed tightly together under her ridiculously tight skirt. I can see she's ready to give birth. Kevin hunkily drops into the elevator and takes a look at the EMTs and Matt. "You better not be looking at my wife!" he says to them. No, Kevin. They're planning to deliver the baby with baseball mitts while wearing blindfolds. "I'm a doctor," Matt lies. "I hope that doesn't mean what I think it means," says Kevin. Because preserving your wife's modesty is the most important thing to worry about when she's IN LABOR with YOUR CHILD. Also, thank you, Kevin, for putting the image of Matt "looking" at Lucy in my mind. Matt tells Kevin that either Matt can deliver the baby, or the "two strangers" can. This is just ridiculous. Those "two strangers" are EMERGENCY MEDICAL TECHNICIANS, okay? They are the only people on this elevator truly qualified to do this. Plus, they have the added advantage of not being RELATED to the person whose intimate parts they're about to be closely acquainted with. This all makes even less sense than Lucy wanting Matt to own a second wedding ring. Kevin says he has training in baby delivery, so he should do it. Lucy wants Matt to do it. I could be in labor and trapped in an elevator with only my brother, and I still wouldn't want him to deliver my baby. I would make him stand in the corner, facing the wall, covering his ears and singing loudly while I went and did it myself. The question of who will deliver Lucy's baby is still unresolved as the scene ends. Matt, wearing a pair of rubber gloves, rubs Lucy's skirt-covered leg, thus rendering the gloves unsanitary. Way to go, "doctor."

Outside the elevator, RevCam, Annie, and Ruthie push their way to the front of the crowd. There they find Mac, Martin, and SamVid. The manager reports that, according to the "doctor" inside the elevator, Lucy is fine. Frank is confused yet again, because he doesn't realize that you can be both a doctor and a brother. RevCam clears it up, saying that Matt is a "doctor. Almost." Manager's like, "What do you mean 'almost?' He's not like a vet or something?" Although I think a veterinarian would actually be more qualified than Matt. Shit, even Frank is more qualified than Matt. At the mention of vets, Martin starts trying to talk about how his dad is a Marine in Iraq, but he's interrupted by the arrival of Simon, who is in town for the shower and came to the Big Big Department Store to buy a gift. Another amazing coincidence. When Annie tells Simon that his sister is giving birth in an elevator, Simon screams that this is great. "We can't go in there, can we?" he asks. DUDE. STAY OUT OF YOUR SISTER'S VAGINA. SERIOUSLY.

Everyone in the crowd starts muttering loudly until Annie yells at them to shut up. What a bitch. Suddenly, we hear the screams of a baby. What amazing acoustics that elevator shaft has! We can hear distant sirens inside it, but the people outside can't hear Lucy's extremely loud labor pain moans. But they can hear a crying baby. The crowd erupts in applause and then they all start hugging each other. Before things can get kinky, Kevin pries open the elevator doors and shouts, "The baby is here! And I helped!" RevCam's response is a "yeah!" and a triumphant fist-pump. The elevator doors shut and we see, in a long shot, that this whole fucking time, the elevator car was level with the first floor and the doors were fairly easily opened. So it was completely unnecessary that Matt had to be the one to deliver his sister's baby. I guess either he, or Lucy, or both, wanted it that way. And that's gross.

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7th Heaven




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