7th Heaven
Paper Or Plastic?

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Big Big Shop of Horrors

Kevin and Ruthie have returned, and Annie asks them about Kevin's present for Lucy. Ruthie says she doesn't think Lucy will like it, nor will Annie. Who cares what Annie thinks? Kevin says he has to make a phone call. RevCam follows him into the kitchen and asks what Kevin got for Lucy. "A house," says Kevin. "Great!" says RevCam. Kevin says that's what he thought, but now he's scared that Lucy will be mad, so he's going to take it back. RevCam asks if the deal is closed; Kevin says it is. I doubt someone with such an obvious lack of knowledge and understanding about contracts would have been considered mentally competent enough to legally sign one, however, so maybe he can take it back. RevCam tries to think of some ways for Kevin to tell Lucy about the house so that she won't be mad, because he is desperate to get his horrible middle child out of his home already. RevCam says that Kevin should show the house to Lucy without saying that he bought it and then, when she loves it, "buy" it. Great plan, RevCam, except for the giant "SOLD" sign in the front of the house. I know Lucy rarely takes the time to look at anything besides herself, but I think even she would notice that. Kevin says that if RevCam is suggesting that Kevin lie to Lucy, he must really want them out of his house. But he's going to call the realtor anyway and try to take the mansion back. Except that now his cell phone battery is dead. I don't see why this is a problem for Kevin; surely he can just plug it into one of his sockets and have it recharged in less than ten minutes. RevCam wonders if perhaps God drained Kevin's cell phone battery so that Kevin wouldn't take the house back. Apparently RevCam is a minister of whatever sect of Protestantism it is that believes that God has nothing better to do. Kevin grabs the Camden house phone.

Big Stupid Matt can't get the wedding ring off his finger. He should just rub it on his hair, which holds about seventeen cans of WD-40's worth of oily lubricant. Lucy tells Matt to just buy the ring because now, after wasting all that time dragging Matt to this stupid counter and making him try on this ring, she wants to go home. Frank comes over and says that Matt can wear the ring out of the store if he wants, and Matt says he doesn't want the ring because he already has one at home. "Whatever you say," Frank says with a wink. Suddenly, Lucy looks down, then back up. "Uh oh," she says. Matt looks at the floor below Lucy and says "uh oh" as well, and that they have to go to the hospital. I'm guessing Lucy's water just broke, although no one says exactly what is going on, so you could assume that the baby just straight up fell out of Lucy and onto the floor. Like Ruthie said, this can happen when Lucy is upset. Matt uses his own spit for lubricant and manages to twist the ring off. He throws it on the counter, and he and Lucy take off. Wow, that sucks so bad for the jewelry store counter clerk. Two Camdens left their bodily fluids all over her display and her wares. She's going to need a lot of Lysol.

Matt escorts Lucy to the elevator. They stand outside it and make those loud Lamaze-y exhales that I don't think anyone ever does in real life. The elevator opens and, of course, Matt and Lucy rudely rush in before its passenger exits. For a second I was afraid for her that she was going to get trapped in an elevator with those two. God, that would be horrible. Her only option would be to commit hari-kari using that huge pointy pendant Matt wears around his neck. At the last minute, however, she manages to escape. I would like to know why, exactly, she was walking around a department store wearing what appear to be surgical scrubs and carrying two books, but we'll never see her again. Inside the elevator, Matt darts around like a freaking grasshopper while telling Lucy to stay calm. She calmly says she is calm, and that's like the first time in her life that this is true. Matt cackles dementedly. Wow, he sure does have a good bedside manner. That's what I want out of my doctor: someone who, if I'm ever having a medical emergency, reacts by becoming totally insane. Suddenly, the elevator shudders and stops amid flickering lights and the sound of scraping metal and the Violins of Suspense. That can't mean anything good. Matt presses the "door open" button over and over again, despite the fact that this isn't doing any good and it's right above the "alarm" button, which might be more useful at this point. Matt continues to freak out while Lucy makes a worried expression that is no doubt similar to Brenda's as she hoped that no one in her audience saw the last season of Welcome Back, Kotter when this happened to Vinnie Barbarino. Or, for that matter, any of thousands of other shows that have done the giving-birth-in-a-stuck-elevator episode. None of which, I'd like to add, put the pregnant woman in there with her freaking brother. I don't care if he's a future gynecologist; that's disgusting.

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7th Heaven

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