Crap -- it's SamVid, and they're dressed like cowboys. Crap -- it's Asslee, and she's drawing handlebar moustaches on their faces. Crap -- the twins are speaking. "Now this is fun! Mommy never painted us," declares the smaller twin. The bigger twin mumbles something I can't make out, and don't have the energy to put the closed captioning on for. Asslee says that the next "fun" thing they're going to do is make tents on their beds and pretend to camp out all night. "Yaaayyy " SamVid says while clapping unconvincingly. Asslee suggests opening up the divider between their rooms and Simon's room so that he, too, may make a tent and pretend to camp out with them. "Simon's not hooooome," says the twin slightly more capable of speech. Asslee wonders if Simon left because he knew she was coming over. Normally, I would point out how self-centered she is to think that people's nightly plans are based around her current location, but the fact is that if I knew Asslee was coming to my house, I would leave too. SamVid cruelly wonders if Simon went out on a date, then tells Asslee not to worry about him because they love her. "Thanks, I love you too," Asslee says. Oh, I don't like where this is going.
Aaaaand it's another scene with Ruthie. Jeez, didn't we just see her? Oh, I'm sorry, that's not Ruthie; it's Det. Michaels's granddaughter. Easy mistake. She informs Kevin that she no longer wants to watch television. Kevin suggests reading one of the books she brought over from her house. "Some of them look really interesting," he says. Come on now, guys. Don't laugh at Kevin. He may not be the quickest cowboy on the draw, but we should be happy that he's finally found some suitable reading material. The kid rejects the books because they're too easy for her, then demands that Kevin entertain her. Kevin says that Det. Michaels told him that she would entertain herself; his only job is to keep her safe while Det. Michaels takes her grandmother out to dinner. "My grandma?" the kid says, delivering that line so well that I can't believe I'm watching 7th Heaven anymore. Maybe this boring show finally put me to sleep, and now Everwood is on. Or maybe someone changed the channel when I left the room to get some more alcohol. Oh, wait -- there's a shot of Kevin, so I guess I am watching the same show. The Kid goes on to tell Kevin that Grandma left poor old Det. Michaels when she found out that he was in love with Reverend Eric Camden. Or because she was sick of being a cop's wife, and then, when their son foisted his daughter off on them while he went to law school, she couldn't take it anymore and flew the coop. They are now, as the kid says, "D-I-V-O-R-C-E-D." Kevin takes ten minutes to figure out what this spells, then tells her that he doesn't want to know any of this. The kid asks him to tell her what's going on in the CamPound. "That would be entertaining," she says. You'd be surprised, Kid. Kevin says he doesn't like to gossip. The Kid says that she knows some "good stuff" about them that she could tell him. "No," says Kevin. Shut up, Kevin. I want to hear the good stuff. Give me at least one bright spot in my otherwise terrible viewing experience. Besides this here gin and tonic.