Well, we all knew this was going to blow hard, and it definitely delivered. It's Valentine's Day, so that means everyone has to sing. Except for Lucy, Simon, and Martin, who had the foresight to add a "no singing in shit musical episodes" clause to their contracts. Possibly Kevin too, as I'm still not sure if "sing" is the word for what Kevin does as he tells his naggy wife how she was meant for him and he was meant for her. Which is very depressing. Ruthie, down on love after going three days without a call from Vince Charming, turns into a weird old French lounge singer and performs, complete with horrifying butt bumps, "Nice Work If You Can Get It." Later, Vincent makes it all up to her by performing "Accentuate the Positive" with the entire high school baseball team, including a very embarrassed-looking Martin and Mac. Simon brings his brand-new girlfriend to Glenoak, where he tries to avoid any and all Camdens. As this is impossible, Annie and the entire Promenade do a big number for the girlfriend about how she should ask "The Man Upstairs" before she has sex with Simon the Manwhore. The Man Upstairs, of course, is too busy watching ANYTHING ELSE ON TELEVISION to care. Girlfriend is initially angry at Simon, but gets over it soon enough and is back in Simon's arms by the end of the episode. Alone in his office, RevCam tries to convince himself that he loves his wife by singing "You Are My Lucky Star" to a picture of her. He then gives his lucky star a super-romantic dinner of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and she tells us why RevCam's red socks are so special to her.
So. Here we are. It's time for the special Valentine's Day 7th Heaven Musical Extravaganza or whatever the WB is hyping this episode as. Not wanting to suffer alone, and knowing very little about music and musicals, I had Pamie and Djb check this episode out and give me their opinions. Unfortunately, the horribleness of it rendered them incapable of speech. Then one of Pam's cats threw up. True story.
It's morning in the CamPound, and the Violins and Harps of This Is A Musical Episode, Sort Of, play us into the CamBoudoir, where Annie is sleeping and RevCam is gathering up the laundry. He throws together a load of whites, but in his zest to be quiet and not awaken the sleeping dragon, he puts a pair of red socks in there, too. I'm sad to report that THIS WILL BE IMPORTANT LATER. In fact, it will be the A-plot of this episode.
RevCam makes his way downstairs, humming a tune as he puts the laundry in the washing machine without even checking to make sure that it's all whites. I mean, if you can't see a pair of BRIGHT RED SOCKS in the middle of whatever beige crap the Camdens normally wear, you should probably not be doing laundry. Anyway, the twins come downstairs and start to raid the fridge and cabinets. Having started up the amazingly quiet washing machine, RevCam returns to the kitchen, where the twins tell him to quit humming because they'll wake Annie up, and they're supposed to be making her a surprise pancake breakfast in bed. Ew. The day I make breakfast in bed for someone else on my birthday is the day I have been sold into white slavery. The twins ask if perhaps they might be able to partake of the pancake breakfast, and RevCam generously says that they can make enough pancakes for everyone, and they might even be accompanied by "some nice fatty bacon." Ruthie enters and angrily snarls at her father that his heart problems were caused by him having too much bacon in the first place, so why the hell is he having some now? RevCam says today is a special day, as if just because it's Valentine's Day, his body is immortal. RevCam adds that the dry toast he usually eats for breakfast doesn't seem romantic. "And bacon is?" says Ruthie. Whatever, Ruthie. I plan to marry bacon just as soon as those gays get the right to marry and then the entire institution of marriage is totally destroyed. Because it tastes good. Also, if RevCam wants to be so selfish as to eat dangerous foods such as bacon and clarified butter, caring more about his taste buds than the young children he'll be leaving behind, then I think he should be allowed to go right on ahead.