7th Heaven
Red Socks

Episode Report Card
Sara M: F | 3 USERS: C-
YOU GRADE IT
Songs In The Key Of Terrible

Lucy tells Kevin that Savannah is both sleeping and eating more. Then she demands to know why Kevin is putting his police uniform on. Kevin says he is going to work. Lucy cannot believe that her husband is working on Valentine's Day. "What am I supposed to do?" she asks, doing a few hair flips of co-dependence and eye rolls of pathetic-ocity. Kevin says Lucy can amuse herself with her new-ass baby while he works to pay for their new mansion. Lucy says the mansion already is paid off (I really resent the fact that Lucy, even though she's fictional, apparently has more money than I do. I really, really do) and that she hasn't even seen it yet. Kevin patiently explains that that is Lucy's fault, seeing as he has offered to show it to her many times and she has said no. Seriously. "So?" Lucy asks, saying that the reason she hasn't seen the mansion is because she's with the baby that Kevin apparently forced her to have. Except that it takes two to do that, darling, and you're the one who I'm pretty sure lied about taking her birth control to get pregnant in the first place. So SHUT UP. Kevin bends over to give her a placating kiss on the cheek, but she turns away. What a bitch. Lucy tells Kevin that if he loved her, he wouldn't be "abandoning" her on Valentine's Day. Kevin says he loves Lucy three hundred and sixty-five days a year, but since he didn't include the extra leap year days, that probably isn't good enough for Lucy.

So Kevin has her sit on the bed and starts to sing "You Were Meant For Me." Here is the best way I can describe this: you know those crappy middle and high school musicals you were in, and there was that guy who always got good parts even though his voice was totally weak and he couldn't carry a tune, because he was one of the only guys who tried out and because your asshole music teacher would only cast his little favorites, regardless of talent? And don't tell me I was the only one with that asshole music teacher, because I'm pretty sure he's universal. But anyway, Kevin sounds like that kid. And you always felt sorry for your parents, who came to see you as "Chorus" every year, and had to sit through this guy's solos. Kevin "sings" that "Nature patterned [Lucy] and when she was done," and I was hoping he would say something about Nature destroying that pattern and expressing regret for ever having made said pattern. Anyway, Kevin does some cute little dances and he smiles a lot, so even though this sucked total ass, it was probably my favorite number of the show. Too bad we had to see so much of Lucy during it. Although it was really weird that they didn't have her sing at all, or even be Kevin's dancing partner, especially when he was doing that waltzy-looking move with his arms around an invisible partner. And I'm not going to blame George Stults for his crappiness here; after all, the guy's just learning how to act, for god's sake, and now they're making him sing AND dance too? That's not really fair.

RevCam hums his way into the Church Office. He puts his stuff on his desk and checks out a framed picture of Annie. And the Annster is not looking so good in this picture. She has this smile on her face that makes it look like she has a wicked overbite. I call it the "hyuk hyuk" smile. RevCam picks up the phone and dials. Midway through the first ring, the CamAnswering Machine picks up. You know, here this show was presented with the perfect opportunity to fill some space by having the machine pick up after a more normal three or five rings, and they totally wasted it. Now we have to hear the answering machine message, which is, of course, the Most Annoying In The History Of Ever. SamVid talk in unison: "You have reached the Camden residence. Nobody can help you." You know Happy was in the room when that was recorded, thinking, "...Seriously." Annie was in the room, too, and we hear her nagging in the background at the twins to say their lines correctly. RevCam chuckles at this, because it's exactly the kind of people who think that shit is funny who put it on their answering machines and inflict it upon the rest of us. Ugh, SamVid even say "beeeeep!" along with the answering machine beep. Awful. And yet, exactly what I'd expect to encounter if I ever called the CamPound. Which I would never do. Not even by accident.

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7th Heaven

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