7th Heaven

Episode Report Card
Cate: D+ | Grade It Now!

Y'all, it's time to break out the theme mallet again. Tonight's special theme is "relationships," and even the WB promo announcer wants to get in on the fun, by announcing that "some relationships can get tricky." And is this supposed to be news to anyone who has ever had any contact, whatsoever, with other human beings? The episode proper begins with a "comic" interlude in which Ruthie and Annie denigrate RevCam's ability to prepare eggs for breakfast. He can't prepare eggs properly? Now, pancakes, I could understand. Both my sister and I are incapable of cooking up a decent pancake, even from pancake mix, but eggs? Annie can't give RevCam an estimate on when she will be home from her first day of teaching, which leads to the start of another fight. Fortunately, SuperMom and Ruthie leave for school before the brawl really gets going. Annie has a kiss for one of the twins, but RevCam isn't getting any. When Annie's out the door, he comments, "Maybe I should be taking hormones." I think that's a splendid idea! RevCam with breasts would entertain me to no end.

Not so Mary and slack-jawed Billy Campbell-wannabe Wilson. He's making good on last week's promise to help Mary train for her firefighting skills test. This seems to consist of him going out jogging with her. I'm not sure how that would be a big help to anyone, but the little lady is profoundly grateful nonetheless. When she mentions that she thinks she will pass next week's skills test, Wilson says, "Oh, yeah, you're gonna nail it." He's really hoping he'll be nailing her soon, though, as he presses for an answer to his lame-o wedding proposal. Mary says she needs more time. Frankly, I don't know if there's enough time in the world to prepare anyone for the prospect of being Mrs. Wilson "Fetch My Dry-Cleaning, Bitch" Whatever-His-Last-Name-Is.

After years of concentrated effort, I think the writers have finally managed to produce the most excruciatingly boring opening credits backdrop ever. After a seemingly endless shot of a building at Ruthie's school, we see a long pan of a class of schoolgirls reading. Bravo, writers! That was monumentally dull! I'm not exactly impressed with Annie's teaching technique either, since it appears to consist of her spending the entire class sitting at her desk while her students read The Swiss Family Robinson. I'm a little dubious about the worth of a morals class anyway, but shouldn't she at least be doing some talking? I can't believe someone is, in fact, paying her to watch children read. It seems like her "teaching" is even more useless than RevCam's "counseling." Oh, wait -- she's actually going to take a kick at the teaching bucket by asking the class about the moral of the first few chapters of the book. A bunch of keeners raise their hands. One student answers, "I think the author is showing us that even though you may not be shipwrecked with your family, that all humans have to figure out a way to get along." That's probably true, if a little pedestrian. Annie jacks up the triteness level by adding that the author "is telling us that all relationships require a lot of work, patience, tolerance and love." Okay, then, lesson over. Time to assign homework. Annie's idea of homework is to have the students "teach [her] a lesson, a moral lesson." They are to write "a one-page story about a relationship." She offers to help by encouraging the students to call her at school or home, but I don't know why anyone would bother. If I needed to know the name of a crappy book to read in order to learn a hackneyed lesson about life, I suppose I could phone her up, but that seems to be about all she has to offer. Annie looks inordinately proud of herself, though, as she dismisses the class.

The keenest keener of all stops by Annie's desk to chat. She's the same girl who answered Annie's question before, since the producers probably didn't want to shell out any additional money for another extra to speak a line. This girl wants to ask Annie a question, but first she starts with a little flattery, saying, "You seem to know a lot about people and relationships." Oh, to be so young and so naive. Run, little girl, while you still have time to find someone competent to answer your question! Unless your question is about stalking, of course, because then I'm sure any Camden would be qualified to assist you. But no, her question is about people who fight all the time, and whether they should break up. Annie says, "Well, yes, if two people are fighting all the time, then maybe they shouldn't be together. But you're young --" Keener Girl interrupts to thank her for that stellar advice, then leaves.

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7th Heaven




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