Admissions Guy 2: That Jimmy kid seems a lot cooler than Simon. I wish we were watching his video essay. [Note from Sara M: Please keep in mind that the Admissions Guys have never seen Jimmy in live-action, and thus have no idea that such a person does not actually exist.]
Simon tells us about how Lucy juggled Jimmy and Rod for awhile, which is accompanied by whirring sound effects and a picture of Lucy in the middle of a picture of Rod and a picture of Jimmy. After those two, Lucy bounced around (which we get to see represented in a picture of her that bounces around the screen while "bounce" sound effects play. I can't believe we're only seven minutes into the show and I'm already homicidal) with a bunch of guys, including one loser who she teamed up with against Mary and her boyfriend in a make-out contest. And don't forget Mike Pierce, who "tried to commit suicide, re-considered the selfishness of it all, and put his heart into living again. A winner." I thought he was being sarcastic, but no. I like how, this early into the show, we're getting PSAs about not committing suicide. It's as if the writers know that their show drives people to self-destruction. Anyway, Mike and Lucy had no chemistry, so he was out. Then Jeremy came along, and Lucy "asked him to marry her. He said yes." Then Lucy dumped him because his parents, who were "pothead musicians" (because those are one and the same), didn't like her. She finally found love with Kevin.
Admissions Guy 1: Hey, is that Jazz Legend Bobby Short?
Admissions Guy 2: Huh?
Admissions Guy 1: Never mind. I don't know what just came over me.
And now it's Mary's turn to have her private life eviscerated for all to see. Her first kiss was with her brother's friend, which is kind of skeevy, though not as skeevy as the fact that Mary wanted her first kiss to be with Matt, so I'll look the other way. Then she met Wilson, who "didn't deserve" an on-again, off-again relationship because he had a kid or something. I'm not sure if they were saying that Wilson was too good for Mary or vice-versa, but either way, it's pretty damn rude. Then came Robbie. They've got a picture of him too. He's standing there with his mouth hanging open, looking stupid and adorable awww, I miss Robbie. Anyway, he and Mary were together, then he moved into the CamPound when Mary "moved" to Buffalo. And then he moved to Florida "to be a brother to his real brothers, and a son to his real mother." And coke addict who needed rehab. Allegedly! Don't sue me, Adam LaVorgna! Then Mary got with Ben, who is Kevin's brother, and this confused everyone. She dumped Ben and got with that old guy, which was gross, but also kind of awesome. Then Mary married Carlos and now they're pregnant, and they got pregnant after they got married, not before, which is the church rumor.