7th Heaven
Simon's Home Video (a.k.a. The Kid Is Out Of The Picture)

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Of Camdens
Admissions Guy 2: He shouldn't know that.
Admissions Guy 1: We shouldn't know that.

We get Simon's admission of his parents' horniness, along with a smattering of images of the CamRents kissing closed-mouthed. Annie has her eyes open in every picture. How romantic!

And now we see a live-action Simon sitting in front of the camera, on a dark set with what appears to be a chain-link fence in the background. He says that his parents and their precious, precious love have set an example that everyone else wants to follow. "It's like being in seventh heaven," Simon says, "permanently." I know how he feels.

The opening credits have gone Growing Pains on us, with pictures of the family through the years that flash out of sync with the beats in the music. Too bad there's no a-cappella version of the theme song to complete the transformation. I'll admit, it was pretty nice to see the Original Gangsta Camdens (and those stupid twins, but whatever), and only the Original Gangsta Camdens, in the credits.

Admissions Guy 1: Why did he put opening credits in his video?
Admissions Guy 2: Ugh, check out that lady's poodle-do.

William Shakespeare would like you to know that love isn't easy. Simon says that no one has tried harder to have a relationship like the CamRents than Lucy.

Admissions Guy 1: And with a face like that, she must have had to try harder than anyone else.

Simon tells us about Lucy's first "true love," Jimmy Moon. We see that the Camdens have a framed picture of Jimmy and Lucy standing in front of their lockers somewhere in the house. Simon says he never liked Jimmy, and was glad when Jimmy dumped Lucy when she, on Simon's recommendation, dyed her hair blonde. Then we find out that, without Lucy in his life, Jimmy ended up getting "busted for pot" and becoming a "high school narc." The Camdens have a framed picture of Jimmy getting arrested in their living room. That's normal. The last time Simon saw him, Jimmy was a defendant in court and in desperate need of a moderate eating and exercise program.

Admissions Guy 2: That Jimmy kid seems a lot cooler than Simon. I wish we were watching his video essay. [Note from Sara M: Please keep in mind that the Admissions Guys have never seen Jimmy in live-action, and thus have no idea that such a person does not actually exist.]

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7th Heaven




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