Admissions Guy 1: Okay, but…I don't really care about Simon's sisters or the rumors in his church. Why isn't this kid just telling us about all the clubs he was president of when he was in high school like everyone else?
Admissions Guy 2: Zzzz.
And now let's talk about how Mary and Lucy have a tendency to date the same guys. We'll start with Jordan, the thirty-five-year-old Sears catalogue model. Simon says he'll skip over their fight with the French guy, which is good because he never dated either of them, so it shouldn't count. That leads us to Robbie, who Lucy made out with because, as Simon says both braggingly and knowingly, she is "the queen of making out." In fact, she made out with all three of the Palmer brothers!
Admissions Guy 2: Ohmigod, is that Lance Bass?
Admissions Guy 1: Excuse me?
Admissions Guy 2: Uh…nothing. Hey, that Lucy sure is easy! I wonder if she'd do me.
Admissions Guy 1: You'd hate yourself in the morning.
Simon hopes that Florida will be better to Robbie than Glenoak, and a picture of Robbie floats away.
And now we get to hear about Matt. Simon says he knows more about his sister's relationships than Matt's, but he was able to find some pictures of some of Matt's women. Like Heather, who Simon thought Matt would marry, or his professor, who he thought liked him but totally didn't.
Admissions Guy 1: I want to know who took a picture of Matt trying to lay one on his teacher while she cringed in horror.
Admissions Guy 2: I think the question with this family is, "Who didn't?"
There was also a girl Matt met when he was a mall Santa Claus, and then there was Cheryl, who was "interesting," which is probably another word for "whore." Cheryl and Robbie were together until Cheryl said she was pregnant to get Robbie to marry her. Simon can't believe that Matt never had sex with Cheryl, because she's hot. And that brings us to Plot Contrivance, who's totally Jewish. There's a picture of Matt and PC the morning after they got married, wearing their post-coital bathrobes. One must wonder how Simon got a hold of that picture, or, if one has seen the episode, how it was even taken, and by whom.