7th Heaven
Simon's Home Video (a.k.a. The Kid Is Out Of The Picture)

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Of Camdens

Simon wonders if any of his siblings' spouses will ever measure up to the CamRent standard. Kevin is a total weirdo loser who has "family money," but lives above the garage. And Carlos and Mary don't know each other very well. Simon does not mention that Matt knew Sarah not at all before he married her, because the point here is that Mary is a flighty stupidhead and Matt is awesome.

And how does Ruthie feel about all this? Something quasi-wise about enjoying journeys. She may have already found the man for her. Who could this man be? That's right, it's Peter. Simon says that Ruthie made a "good choice" in him, and he's "a winner, first time out of the gate."

Admissions Guy 1: Just like Seabiscuit!
Admissions Guy 2: Even Seabiscuit was less sentimental and boring than this.

Of course, Simon's had his share of the ladies. And someone took pictures of him making out with all of them. Now he's got Asslee, who he's in love with, even if he's not ready to be in love. He wants to do stuff before he gets married. He wants to know who he is. Allow me to tell him: he's an arrogant, self-important pervert. Now Simon can move on to more important issues. Like getting a haircut.

Immediately following this was a commercial for Zoloft, which was perfect.

"I don't know if I've ever had a normal friend," Simon says to begin the next segment.

Admissions Guy 1: Noooo! I'm shocked, I tell you! Shocked!
Admissions Guy 2: I'm just shocked that he's had any friends at all -- normal or not.

In fact, none of the CamKids has ever had a normal friend because everyone they've let into their house has had something wrong with them, as says judgmental bitch Ruthie. Now we get a stick-figure drawing with bad hair holding medical supplies with ambulance sound effects to represent either Matt or one of the men in white coats who took him away to "medical school." And then there's "Matt's List" of friends. Like "crazy senior citizen" Mrs. Bink; "pregnant teen" Renee, who Matt helped through labor, thus possibly starting his interest in gynecology; and "angel" Steve, a boy with a terminal illness. And then there's "Mother of a Thief" Emma Houten, whose son stole Annie's wedding rings.

Admissions Guy 1: And I'll bet she's absolutely thrilled to see that she'll be forever classified as the "mother of a thief."

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7th Heaven




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