7th Heaven
Sorority Boys

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Freaks And Greeks

Hello, and welcome to my recap of Sorority Boys. Being a college student myself, as well as a film major, I think I am uniquely qualified to author this piece. Surely this film will accurately and favorably mirror today's college students.

But first we start with some black-and-white still photos of fraternities in the fifties, scored with regal music. Here is a picture of some wacky guys going downstairs -- on their hands! And there's a picture of some dowdy fifties cheerleaders -- hanging from a pole! Two of them are wearing horn-rimmed glasses. And there's a guy playing pool -- wearing women's clothing! And smoking a pipe! Wow, college sure was lame in the fifties.

Another black-and-white still photo of an elegant Tudor house, with a sign in front of it that reads "KOK," suddenly comes to life and turns color. Ah, now we're going to see some real college antics. Some guy wearing a mask starts talking about "the high council." Then we see that he's talking to a quartet of naked guys who are bound together by rope. What the hell is this? Apparently they are guilty of teaching the KOK handshake to a girl. Please don't think that the fact that KOK sounds just like "cock" has been lost on me -- I just didn't feel the need to even remark on a joke so lame. Although I guess I kind of just did, so why don't I go ahead and say this: the KOK thing is lame, and it won't be the first time Greek initials spell out something symbolic and "funny" in this clever little cinematic gem. You just wait. But back to the four naked boys. Apparently their punishment for their crime involves grease and a gerbil. I guess this is a joke, but I find the whole frats as dens of repressed homosexuality implication to be much more interesting. Unfortunately, we won't get a chance to explore this further, because Barry Watson (Dopey from 7th Heaven!) suddenly enters the room and ruins everything, including, I would say, the rest of this film. This is a statement I can't make for his work on 7th Heaven, as that has already been ruined more than anything could possibly be by Brenda Hampton. Matt's hair has been slightly improved for the film, but it still looks like a greasy version of that haircut middle-aged women get when they decide they're too old for long hair. Some women never make this realization, and that always has the unfortunate result of long nasty gray hair or long nasty dyed purple hair. But I digress into more interesting topics. Matt talks to the mask guy, who is apparently the president of the frat, and says they need the room for the party, so President Mask Guy will have to finish his ceremony somewhere else. President Mask Guy takes his mask off to reveal that he has the third highest hairdo of all time, just behind Marge Simpson and my third grade teacher. He also has a high voice. I guess that's supposed to be funny, because men who have the misfortune of being born with not too much testosterone are funny.

Michael Rosenbaum enters the scene on some kind of wagon with a small keg on it. He is being pulled by some faceless women wearing bikinis. I know I always go out and party in style by wearing my beach clothes, so this isn't unusual. You might recognize Rosenbaum as Lex Luthor from Smallville -- but then again, you might not, because his usually shiny baldness is covered by a cap and the worst wig ever. How did this film get a big enough budget to be made, but not big enough to buy Lex a somewhat-realistic looking wig? It looks like the gerbil we saw earlier escaped from his cage and jumped on Rosenbaum's head, and then had a bunch of babies. Anyway, Lex drives onto the scene, whipping the girls along as they pull him. While I might tolerate this misogynistic behavior from, say, Tom Welling (and only because he is the most attractive man alive), I would definitely have kicked Lex in the crotch fifty-seven times by now.

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