7th Heaven
Sorority Boys

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Freaks And Greeks

Two of the three girls who were solicited outside the frat house fix their hair and make-up in a mirror, and take this downtime to exposit that their solicitor is the president of the DOG sorority and that she's always doing protests about some kind of woman-hating thing or another.

Oh, crap, it's Harland Williams. You know, I saw him on the cover, but I still hoped beyond hope that he would not be in this movie. How the hell is he even playing a college student? Isn't he fifty years old by now? But this is explained by him being a tenth-year student as he looks at pictures of the last few years and talks to himself about how he doesn't remember any of them.

Brutus walks up to one of the girls from the mirror, and then Matt comes in holding two beers and a hot dog. He throws the hot dog to Brutus. Matt starts quoting Shakespearian sonnets in the mirror girl's face, and she responds by asking him if it's true that he drives a BMW. Matt laughs and tells Brutus that he's a bad dog, and that's the last time you will see Matt's beloved pet.

Then we see an "ugly" girl wearing "dowdy" clothes, taking pictures of the room. Lex is holding a guitar for no obvious reason and getting his groove on with the other mirror girl, but she is distracted by the presence of the ugly girl. Lex calls Harland Williams over, and they agree to get rid of her because she is from DOG, and if they let one DOG girl into their parties, then they all will want to come. Yes, I'm sure they're all just lining up to try some of your Natty Ice keg and get felt up by sweaty guys. Frat parties are really fun that way. Harland whispers to some other guy, who blows a whistle and screams "dogcatcher!" The lead singer from Smash Mouth suddenly appears with a net, and isn't he pushing fifty by now as well? On second glance, it's not the lead singer from Smash Mouth but a guy who looks just like him -- unfortunately for that guy. I am relieved, because for a second there I was afraid I was going to have to hear "All-Star" as part of yet another film's soundtrack. Smash Mouth and some other guy throw the net over the poor girl as she struggles passively.

The ugly DOG prez yammers on about how if the frat guys want a war, then they will give them a war. Right now she is wearing a bathrobe and standing inches away from the lit fireplace. That is so dangerous, especially if the robe is flannel. I kind of wouldn't mind it if the DOG prez did catch on fire right now, because she is boringly expositing on the history of the sorority to her similarly pajama-clad sisters. Some ugly girl who looks like Harland Williams in drag is in a portrait over the fireplace, and DOG Prez talks about how she founded DOG on principals of respect and yawn yawn yawn. I have decided that I hate this movie, as I hate anything that portrays feminists as bookish, humorless, lesbian militants. DOG prez talks about how "Patty" was heroic for obtaining information about the frat, and we see that Patty, the girl who got ensnared in the previous scene, is seated on the couch with an icepack on her head and she looks all disheveled and how is implicit violence against women at all funny? I'm probably just a humorless feminist. DOG pres shows her sisters a bunch of still photographs on the TV of the KOK party. How did still photographs that were taken with a non-digital camera get on the TV? I have no idea. One of them is off a topless woman standing on a table. That never happens at parties at my school, except for the semi-annual naked party, which is designed to show nudity as a non-sexual form of beauty. My school is really liberal. We have an entire convenience store aisle devoted to organically grown granola, no joke.

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7th Heaven

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