7th Heaven
Sorority Boys

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Freaks And Greeks

Harland tries to befriend the cool sorority girls, but they are mean to him because he's ugly. I didn't think this film could portray women in a more negative light than it already has, but there you go. Harland sits on the couch and is soon joined by Matt and Lex. Then they get dogcatchered. In front of the DOG house, the three guys struggle with the net. The DOG prez comes out and rescues them. They try to leave, but the girl invites them in for food. As they eat, DOG Prez and the rest of the sisters crowd around and try to get them to pledge. Somehow, they are able to offer them free room and board for the first semester.

Outside in the hall, some of the DOG sisters are hesitant to allow such ugly girls into their sorority. Whoa, is that Heather Matarazzo? How the hell did she need money this badly? That's so sad.

Matt says that they should pledge. Lex doesn't want to. Matt says they just need a place to stay until they can get into KOK. Harland says that he pledged twenty minutes ago. That was kind of funny. The DOG prez lets them into their new room, which is already decorated. Oh, sweet -- they have a Powerpuff Girls calendar! And curtains! Apparently the seniors last year left all of their stuff in their rooms after they graduated, including their clothes. And what a stroke of luck, the clothes all fit three six-foot-tall-plus men. Lex is still upset; he wanted to join the cool sorority with the hot girls.

It's house meeting time! Now we get to meet all the DOG sisters. Dog Prez's name is revealed to be Leah. Lex introduces himself as "Adena," and how the hell is that the first female name to pop into anyone's mind? Then Matt introduces himself, but Lex makes funny facial expressions the whole time and I'm actually kind of starting to like him a little bit. Matt calls himself "Daisy." And now we meet some foreign exchange student who has a moustache. Heather M has an annoying New Yawk voice. There's a giantess. Harland introduces himself as Roberta, and Leah notices that he looks just like the portrait of the lady above the fireplace. Roberta says that s/he has a porn addiction, and then breaks the resulting awkward silence with a pillow fight. Then he smacks Heather in the face with a pillow, and she does deserve that for being in this movie. They never mention the fact that Harland is a dead ringer to the DOG founder again, so what was the point of that in the first place?

In bed, Matt smells himself and decides to take a shower. Matt gets into the bathroom, and never has one person looked so happy to be taking a shower, except for maybe the women in those stupid Herbal Essences commercials. Uh oh! Leah just entered the bathroom to take a shower too! Fortunately she doesn't have her contacts in and thus can't see that Matt has a penis. I'm not going to make a joke about how small said penis must be. Oops, I just did! Sorry, Barry Watson, but you set yourself up for it! Matt lathers up so that Leah won't notice he's a guy. Right now I wish that I were as blind as Leah, because I have to look at Barry Watson shirtless and it's gross. But it will get worse, so just bear with me. Leah washes her pert bare breasts and then OH MY GOD THEY DIDN'T! Give me a few seconds here, this is really bad…they show Matt's lather-covered crotch region, and a suspicious-looking cylinder…um…rises up out of the bubbles. Why? WHY?! Oh, God, then Leah drops her washcloth and it lands on the protuberance and I have to see it again. Matt runs out of the bathroom and we have to see his naked butt and I am officially earning every cent I'm getting to write this recap.

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7th Heaven

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