7th Heaven

Episode Report Card
Alex Richmond: C- | 346 USERS: C+
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Roxanne, out of uniform, and Chandler...Hampton are having coffee at a sidewalk café where the tables are three deep. Maybe it's a parking lot café. She tells him it's a trap. What's a trap? I haven't been watching since Cate came back on her regular tour of duty. Roxanne looks cute with her red lipstick. Is the lipstick supposed to signify that she's, you know, a brazen hussy or something? She asks Chandler if he ever wonders why they're still "single, unattached." Is it because everyone hates you? She says because her dad wants her to marry a cop, and chases all her boyfriends away. Chandler puts his hand on her shoulder and says that Roxanne isn't marrying a cop, she's marrying him, "someday." Oh, ew, these two hooked up? God, that's incomprehensible. This show is more incestuous than Beverly Hills, 90210. And it's crazier than Melrose Place. It makes less sense than any of Lisa Marie Presley's marriages. But you can't hate Lisa Marie just because she marries the wrong men. That's not enough of a celebrity scandal. Anyway, Chandler says Roxanne's dad "can try, but he's not going to run [him] off." Roxanne says that's what her last boyfriend said. So this is the C-plot? Good god.

Mops. Mops at work. Mops, being pushed by Simon and Cecilia. Simon's hair looks different than when I last recapped the show. It looks darker, and more plastered down. Like he combed it with his foot. Like he was hanging out with Beck, or maybe The Strokes. Was he replaced by another actor? I'm getting a real Darren Stevens vibe. Oh no, only one human could have those eyebrows. One human, and a lot of caterpillars. Anyway, the two stupid lovebirds shuck and jive and mop and sort of sing along to "Walkin' The Dog." Someone shuts off the tape deck and says they're having too much fun. "This is supposed to be work!" Cecilia tells her quasi-uncle to not be too hard on Simon. Simon shakes Quasi-Uncle's hand twice, then get the privilege of calling the man "Walter." Walter exits. Simon says Walter seems nice. Cecilia says, "Everyone loves Uncle Walter." Red flag, everyone. They may as well show us on this rag doll where Uncle Walter touched us now.

7th Heaven

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