7th Heaven
Stand Up

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Alex Richmond: D+ | Grade It Now!
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Mops. Mops at work. Mops, being pushed by Simon and Cecilia. Simon's hair looks different than when I last recapped the show. It looks darker, and more plastered down. Like he combed it with his foot. Like he was hanging out with Beck, or maybe The Strokes. Was he replaced by another actor? I'm getting a real Darren Stevens vibe. Oh no, only one human could have those eyebrows. One human, and a lot of caterpillars. Anyway, the two stupid lovebirds shuck and jive and mop and sort of sing along to "Walkin' The Dog." Someone shuts off the tape deck and says they're having too much fun. "This is supposed to be work!" Cecilia tells her quasi-uncle to not be too hard on Simon. Simon shakes Quasi-Uncle's hand twice, then get the privilege of calling the man "Walter." Walter exits. Simon says Walter seems nice. Cecilia says, "Everyone loves Uncle Walter." Red flag, everyone. They may as well show us on this rag doll where Uncle Walter touched us now.

Credits. Seeeaa-venth heaven! When I see their happy faces, smilin' back at me...seeeaa-venth heaven! Where can you goooooo! When the world don't treat you right? The answer is hoooome! Mmmm! Seeeaa-venth heaven! Woof!

Promenade. The golden gets a nice close-up. And another. Can we just make this show about dogs? I'd be fine with that. Ben kneels down to adjust the dog's flag straps, and a wholesome blonde woman spots him and heads over like a heat-seeking missile. "Awww! What a cute dog!" She wants to pet "her." Jake is all, he's a he, and he's a rescue dog. Ben grins like an idiot and introduces himself. The wholesome chick is Veronica. Can I just say that as a dog owner, this is never how the scenario works out? You always know people as "Boomer's dad" or that guy who owns the French bulldog. Dog parks in reality are not hot pickup scenes, though I do know someone who met her fiancé at one. That's one person, y'all. Most of the time, I never recognize the people without their dogs. I'm a terrible slut. Terrible at being one, I mean. It's not that I don't try. Jake turns to Ruthie and is all, "Told you women love dogs." Ruthie says, "Women love Ben." Women do not, you little troll. The kids take cash for ice cream and the dog and split. Ben is all, so what do you do? Veronica is a massage therapist. Ben reacts to this exactly like an eighth grader or Lorenzo Lamas would.

Roxanne yells at her dad, played by Matthew Perry's real-life dad. She pleads that he "not do this." She means "run off the guy [she] really love[s]." He says that if the guy really loves her, he won't be able to run him off. She notes that "that sounds like a challenge" and asks that he "please be nice." He barely pays attention to her, fastens his cuffs, and is out of there. Talk about supporting roles.

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7th Heaven

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