7th Heaven
Stand Up

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Alex Richmond: D+ | Grade It Now!
Stand down

Kevin's room. It looks even more unfinished than before. There is a honking monstrosity of a black leather office chair in there now. And weights. Kevin "pumps" "iron" and says he was in fact that he was hiding from Lucy, if she wants to talk about the wedding. She yells at him (again, some more) that she needs him on her side because her mom is making her crazy. Care to be more specific, Lucy? Like maybe if you share the specific details about how Annie is making the wedding about Eric going back to work instead of just a family celebration, Kevin would give a shit. Unless Kevin loves drama, in which case he'd be thrilled. Kevin says that he doesn't care about the wedding except for the marrying Lucy part; "everything else is just something for [Lucy and her] mom to argue about." Thanks, dear. Love you too. Kevin says there's a simple solution. Lucy asks hopefully, "Elope?" Easier than that. "Stand up to your mother." Lucy says she's too "chicken" to do that. Funny, she looks like a chicken too. Kevin suggests she focus on something that makes her happy about the wedding, then. Which should be easy but for the fact that Lucy's a total bitch, and just getting Kevin to marry her was her whole life focus for, like, forever. Now that she's achieved that goal (if you can call it a goal), she has to find a new one. It's not that easy, Kevin. But he thinks of the fact that her father is marrying them. She says sure, that fact will outweigh the fact that she's wearing a dress she didn't pick out herself, and eating food she hates at the reception. Psych! She's going to bitch the whole damn time.

Simon and Cecilia prance their way into Uncle Walter's office. He asks if they checked everything, they are silent, and he hands them checks. Then, he molests them. Just kidding. Simon says he's happy to take on extra shifts since he's saving for a car and an eyebrow wax. Uncle Walter barks that when he's got the cash, see him, since he "has a friend in the business" who will "take care" of Simon. Is it at the J Sisters Salon, Uncle Walter? They can wax the hell out of your whoooole body, Simon. Uncle Walter hands the two stupid lovebirds two $20 bills so they can have a good time, "but not too good a time, hear!" Of course they heard, they're standing right there. When is Uncle Walter going to turn evil already? This is so boring.

Ew, Ben's having a face-gasm. He's being massaged by the chick he met five minutes ago. The Promenade should charge admission, since it's so easy to almost get laid there. Two ugly children walk up balefully, heads down and without a dog. Gee, I wonder what happened. Ben asks if they got their ice cream, and "What's wrong?" and finally, "Where's Carson?" Didn't you hear? He's way too old for TRL so they gave him a late-night show no one watches. It's working out pretty well for everyone. Anyway, the rescue dog got out of his leash and ran off. "Maybe he went to rescue someone?" Yeah, someone like his career.

In the pool hall, Chandler nervously drinks water. Roxanne's dad walks up, sees the Rev, and instantly disapproves. It's some fine facial acting. Better than "smelled a fart" -- more along the lines of Harrison Ford's moral outrage in Six Days, Seven Nights. Chandler leaps up and says yes...he is...Chandler. Roxy's Dad fully ignores the Rev's outstretched hand and goes for the obvious dig: "You're not a real doctor, are you?" No, he's not. He's a phdoctor. The lamest kind. Next to oral surgeons. Roxy's Dad says the Rev can call him detective, takes his gun out, and puts it on the table, and after making it clear that he doesn't want the Rev anywhere near his daughter, asks how he can make the Rev "go away." I find that turning off the WB on Mondays at eight works pretty well. But feel free to resort to violence. Roxy's Dad is hell-bent on getting rid of the Rev. But Chandler keeps saying stupid shit like he loves her and isn't going away. Roxy's Dad says with extreme gravitas, "Then we don't have anything more to talk about." What a dick!

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7th Heaven




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