7th Heaven

Episode Report Card
Cate: F | Grade It Now!

Simon: Mom, Dad, Cecilia and I are horny.
Cecilia: We're going upstairs to have sex.
Annie: All right, but you'd better do it on the living room couch.
RevCam: Yeah, where the whole family can keep an eye on you.

Okay, if anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, scrubbing my brain out with bleach.

Back at the CamPound, Lucy tries to get Ruthie to accompany her on her stalking mission, then rebukes her for doing homework on Sunday. Ruthie basically tells her to get bent.

Roxanne and Chanandler are at some fast food place on the Promenade. It's not Pete's Pizza, Eddie's Pool Hall and Discount Rehearsal Dinner Emporium, or Ye Olde Ice Cream and Stalking Shoppe, so I'm a little confused and disoriented. In fact, I feel almost like a character from Pleasantville. What's next? The discovery of a fifth state? Ha! Like that would ever happen! After perusing the menu, Roxanne asks the clerk if there are any salads. She confesses that she's doing this to "impress" Chanandler. Why she thinks that would impress him, we'll never know. He tells her he's already impressed by her, which effectively answers any lingering questions you may have about his intelligence and/or taste. Chanandler asks, "Penny for your thoughts?" Obviously, he's no bargain hunter. Roxanne says, "I was just thinking the same thing I was thinking all during church." RevBong assumes this means that she wants to hold hands. They gaze stupidly into each other's eyes for a while, and then Roxanne says, "Hold the onions." I don't understand. Is that some sort of family-values term for her breasts?

Annie is folding laundry while reading RevCam's manuscript. She's thoroughly engrossed, but that still doesn't explain how quickly she's turning those pages. At an average of eight seconds per page, she's quite the speed-reader.

Roxanne and Chanandler are still on their date. It sure is boring. In fact, it looks like Roxanne's propping up her head to stay awake. Things livens up slightly when Roxanne asks if there's anything in the Ten Commandments prohibiting sex before marriage. I take it her interest is more personal than academic. RevBong monotones, "Not in the Ten Commandments, but throughout history there have been laws or customs regarding women not having sex before marriage, which were, and possibly still are, for the protection and empowerment of women." You'll have to excuse me for being a little skeptical of that one, Brenda. Funny how the web search I performed didn't yield anything to convince me either. Realizing that Chanandler's not the sharpest crayon in the box, Roxanne clarifies her question by asking him if he personally believes in premarital sex. He hems and haws, saying something about believing that it happens. How Roxanne could remain turned on through all this unappealing waffling is a mystery for the ages. Maybe RevBong's wearing one of those pheromone colognes?

Now Lucy's trying to convince Annie to join her on a walk. She argues that Sundays "used to be about taking walks and spending time with loved ones." Okay, maybe, but what does that have to do with you wanting to stalk Roxanne? Sorry, I just don't see the connection. After Annie refuses to join her, Lucy leaves in a huff. Annie pulls out RevCam's manuscript, which she's been hiding under some laundry. So she's not really planning to do all the good deeds she told Lucy she'd be doing this afternoon. That makes her a liar, doesn't it? Still, it's hard to feel even an atom of sympathy for Lucy's need to have a companion on her fuckwitted stalking mission, so I think Annie can be forgiven.

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7th Heaven




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