7th Heaven

Episode Report Card
Cate: D+ | 1 USERS: D

In the CamKitchen, Annie is studying and Eric is just moping around, holding a cup and a newspaper, I think. Actually, nobody's bothered to give him a specific activity; they've just stuck him in this scene to wait for Simon, I guess. Simon comes in. It looks like someone gelled his hair into a helmet shape and then dropped him on his forehead so the helmet got all smooshed out of shape in front. I know the possibility of a writer's strike has been big news in the entertainment industry since last year, but nobody told me there was a hairstylists' strike going on. Surely that's the only explanation for how everyone looks today. The only other possibility I can imagine is that someone wants to make the characters look more "edgy." I can see the producers doing that, but I don't know why they would bother. Simon is all nervous as he tells Eric that he's just looking for "a couple of bucks" he lost. He turns down RevCam's offer to lend him money and then leaves. The CamRents speculate on whether Simon will be seeing Sasha alone or with a group of people. I'd be perfectly happy not to see Sasha at all, but I guess no one asked me.

Mary's as surly as ever. She's attempting to shoot baskets, but she keeps missing. Ha ha! That really was the only thing she was ever good at. When Robbie comes along and says, "How's it going?" she totally loses it and starts bitching him out because he's not happy enough to see her. He kisses her on the cheek, which just pisses her off more. She grabs him and plants a clumsy kiss on his mouth before stalking off. Oh, yeah, she's changed. That's right.

Lucy is gathering laundry from the bathroom hamper when she finds a man's wallet. Without any further ado, she looks inside it, then tosses it "comically" into the air. The non-suspense is not exactly killing me.

Robbie has a heart-to-heart with Ma Camden, saying he doesn't want to be Mary's motivation for returning to Glenoak. SuperMom tells him he should share that info with Mary. Just as Robbie's telling Annie about how Mary kissed him, Dopey walks in and seems to feel that this is in some way his business. He makes one snide comment and then leaves. Was there a reason for his appearance in this scene? Because I sure as hell don't see one. Robbie continues sharing his thoughts with Annie about her daughter. He says, "It's just that when she kisses me...." and then trails off. God is merciful, and we never have to hear Annie explain to Robbie what an erection is.

Upstairs, Lucy waylays Dopey to show him the scary wallet she found. She really hopes that it belongs to him. I know nobody's mentioned it yet on the show, but surely y'all know that what's in the wallet is a condom. Would anyone in the real world be shocked by that? I can't imagine why, but judging from the caliber of hate mail we receive, there are some mighty clueless people out there. Dopey gingerly opens up the wallet then closes it again, with a look of disbelief, or disgust, or...something. He asks Lucy why she wants the wallet to be his. If she were as smart as the producers want us to believe she is, she would say something about how it's way past time for Matt to start having sex. However, this is 7th Heaven, so she doesn't. Naturally, she and Dopey are really concerned that it might be Robbie's wallet, and that he is planning to deflower the pristine and dainty Mary Camden. Because, you know, nineteen-year-old Mary can't sort out her own sex life without the aid of her busybody loser siblings. Actually, Lucy takes her head out of her own ass for long enough to inquire, "Is it any of our business?" It should come as no great surprise that Matt thinks it is. He gives a long, dumb lecture about the untrustworthiness of Robbie while Lucy rolls her eyes. I can't take Dopey seriously either, not least because he's so stupid he can't even figure out how to shave under his lower lip. I known that look has a name, but to me it doesn't exist, because I refuse to believe anyone would want to leave facial hair there, and only there, on purpose.

After some commercials and a random, gratuitous shot of the twins, Simon arrives to receive a grilling, RevCam-style, about his romantic life. Ruthie trots off obediently with the twins, and RevCam gets down and nosy. Simon says that if he wanted to get away with something, he would be vague about what he was doing this evening. Eric prissily states that Simon would be lying if he did that. I think that's open to interpretation anyway, but the point is moot since, as Simon states, he is not leaving out anything about his plans. He insists he knows how to lie, but chooses not to. RevCam essentially tells him that he's lying right now. Lovely. I'm sure that's not going to do a number on Simon's self-esteem or anything. I'm feeling all righteously angry for Simon, until he passes the buck by telling RevCam he should be focusing his "gut feelings on someone else in the house right now." What a weasel. The doorbell rings, and Simon and RevCam compete to answer it. RevCam is thrilled to see that it's Sasha at the door, because now he can ask her a whole whack of nosy questions too. He's very concerned about what movie they'll be watching. Eric, if they're planning on watching porn, do you really think they'd tell you? RevCam continues the grilling, including asking Sasha if her parents fixed up their house themselves. For some reason, this makes Sasha laugh and say to Simon, "Your dad's so cute." Finally RevCam lets the kids leave. As he's closing the door, he tells himself that Simon is actually on a date. He says that in the tone of voice usually reserved by doctors who have to tell patients they have only two months to live. Lighten up, Eric. Simon's such a dork, it's doubtful he'll get into any real trouble.

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7th Heaven




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