Ruthie says Simon needs to take care of everything before the CamRents find out that their kids lied and they get in trouble. I love how Ruthie is more afraid of getting caught for lying than she is about whatever Mary's stupid problem is. Oh, and how Lucy even cares that she'll get in trouble when she's freaking twenty-two. Although I guess the CamRents could send Lucy to her room or take her dessert away, couldn't they? Suddenly, it occurs to Lucy that Carlos have called to tell Annie about how Mary moved out, which is the Big Bad Secret Mary had that the kids were trying to cover for last week. Nice weak-ass reveal for a revelation two weeks in the making there, Brenda. Ruthie and Lucy try think of some tangled webs they can weave so that the CamRents won't be mad at them for lying about Mary.
This week's Opening Credits Timewaster is Simon cooking some gross-looking eggs in his slum apartment kitchen. If only he weren't a man, and thus incapable of cooking. Oh well! Simon makes two plates of eggs and toast, then simultaneously pours coffee and OJ into mugs. Meanwhile, an elderly woman observes. Okay, she's not "elderly," but she is definitely way older than the character she's supposed to be playing, unless Simon is such a stud that he's doing his professors now. Full tenured professors, not "assistant" or "adjunct" ones. At least he chose a brunette this time. Unfortunately, she kinda looks like Mary, so ew. Simon and Prof. Slut begin to eat breakfast. Simon's phone rings, but he refuses to answer it because he knows it's someone from his family. Sure enough, Ruthie leaves a message about how Simon has to rush home this weekend to think of "more, better, and different lies" to tell the CamRents about Mary. Simon explains to Prof. Slut about how Kirstie Alley is fat. Prof. Slut rasps that sometimes people have bad things to say and it's hard for them to say them. She continues in this vein until it's entirely obvious to everyone except Simon that she has something bad to say that is hard for her to say. She goes on that she should have told him something last night, so she "sympathizes" with Mary's situation. Simon asks if she's talking about their non-exclusive relationship, which he thought they had mutually agreed upon. I've never known a college guy who hooks up with a girl and then serves her breakfast the next morning, by the way. Most girls I knew did the "Walk of Shame" on an empty stomach. Well, not entirely empty. Prof. Slut says that now that Simon has "been with" her, he's also "been with" every man she's "been with." She means indirectly, although when it comes to Simon, I tend to wonder if it's directly as well. Anyway, if Prof. Slut hems and haws any longer, I'm going to be as menopausal as she already is by the time she spits it out. Or rather, swallows. Okay, no more of that from me.