7th Heaven
Tangled Web We Weaved

Episode Report Card
Sara M: F | Grade It Now!
You Can't Spell "Exposit" Without S-E-X

Simon sits around, looking close to tears. Really, is whatever news (I know what it was, but I'm not going to spoil it for you!) Prof. Slut had for Simon so bad that he's going to blow a Saturday night crying about it? The worse the news is, the more partying Simon should be doing right now. But no, since Simon is a loser Camden, he's sitting home by himself. Or not, since RevCam has just arrived for a surprise visit! Wow, that sucks. Not as bad as it's going to suck for Carlos when Annie shows up on his doorstep, however. Simon smiles when he sees his dad at the door, but whatever nice, warm, family moment this show might have just conjured up in my dark heart is ruined when I remember that the only reason RevCam is at Simon's apartment is to weasel information out of him, and not because he cares about helping Simon through whatever difficult situation he's in.

Back from commercial, RevCam says it's time to get back home. That was a quick visit, but not too quick for RevCam to miss getting in some digs at Simon for having premarital sex with lots of girls. We also learn that RevCam justified his visit to Simon by lying that he had to visit a family in the area for his ministerial duties. Simon asks RevCam if he talked to Matt lately, and lies he left that message for Matt because he was having a problem with his calculus class. He asks RevCam what, exactly, was the nature of his visit to that nearby family. In a very impressive display of on-the-spot lying, a skill no doubt honed through years of experience, RevCam lies that the family had a "surprise wedding" because one of them got pregnant, just like Simon almost had to do because of all the evil sex he has. Simon accuses RevCam of lying. RevCam lies that he isn't lying, then says that Simon is real liar here, and he really wants to know what trouble Simon is in. He asks if Simon made up that whole story about Kirstie Alley being fat to deflect the CamRents' attention away from his troubles. Simon admits that he did, in fact, lie about Kirstie Alley, but it was to deflect attention away from Mary's troubles, not his own. RevCam asks Simon to tell him what is really going on with Mary.

If you've got a crap heart like RevCam, please don't read any further, because I have something to tell you that is quite shocking indeed: a character on this show is leaving a message on someone's answering machine. It's Kevin, and he's telling Carlos all about how Kirstie Alley is fat and what time is it in New York City right now, anyway? How rude are the Camdens to call a newly single father in the middle of the night like that? That's worse than my granddad, who has been known to call my parents at like seven or eight on a weekend morning. At least my granddad has an excuse, that being that he's eighty and he lives in England, and sometimes figuring out the time zones is tricky. ["Also, grandparents do this. My grandma's favorite time to phone me for a chat when I was in college was at 8 AM on Sunday mornings." -- Sars] Kevin hangs up, and Lucy asks him when Simon will find out if "his girlfriend passed along her little problem to him." We find out that Prof. Slut has an STD, and Simon is freaking that she may have passed it on to him. Well, that was worth all the build-up, wasn't it? Excuse me for sounding bitter, but I was really hoping that Prof. Slut told Simon that she was actually a he, which would have explained his reaction a lot better. I really don't understand why he was so upset about the possibility of having an STD, especially when most of them are very easily curable, especially on college campuses. Or so I've been told. I guess if Prof. Slut had AIDS, that would make sense, except that this show probably believes that AIDS is a gay disease, and gay people don't even exist on this show, so therefore, AIDS does not exist on this show. Or maybe Prof. Slut has herpes, except that Kevin says that Simon will get his test results back in a few days, and herpes isn't something you can find out if you have or not if it's only been a few days since the possible transmission. In fact, I don't know that ANY STD is. It usually takes a little longer than that for it to reach levels that will show up on a test, doesn't it? Anyway, I don't even know why I'm questioning this, seeing as how ridiculous it is that Prof. Slut would have sex with someone while infected with an STD and then tell him about AFTER the fact, like, either you want him to know about it beforehand or you don't want him to know at all, right? Why on earth would you want to expose someone to something and then admit that you knowingly did so, unless you're a two-dimensional fictional character whose sole purpose it is to Teach Us A Lesson?

Lucy says they have to tell RevCam about Simon's possible STD. NO, LUCY, YOU DON'T. In fact, Kevin shouldn't even have told Lucy. And she shouldn't be this interested! I would say something about what I would do if I were Lucy and Simon was my brother, but I DON'T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT BECAUSE I AM NORMAL. Anyway, Kevin's rational subroutine appears to be working correctly this week, because he tells Lucy that this is Simon's business and he can take care of it himself. "What are the facts?" Lucy Joe Fridays. Either she doesn't know anything about STDs, which is just great with her being a teen sex minister teacher and all, or she just wants to know more about Simon's wang issues. I'm not sure which option is worse, but it doesn't really matter, as Lucy won't be getting much by way of facts anyway, since no one will ever actually specify which STD Simon may have caught. Lucy asks what they can do for Simon. She was probably thinking about something along the lines of a chastity belt, but Kevin says that she can pray for Simon (I really, really want to see God's reaction when Lucy asks him to prevent her brother from getting herpes) and he'll have a man-to-man talk with Simon. He thinks he needs to have another talk with Ruthie, too. Yeah, his insistence on having these repeated informative chats with Ruthie about sex are beyond creepy at this point.

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7th Heaven




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