7th Heaven
That Touch Of Bink (1)

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Take Back Your Bink

Lights up on the church. The choir is singing the white-breadiest version of "Amazing Grace" ever. Ev. Er. I supposed it's supposed to be about RevEric's returning to his so-called flock after being "lost," but my head is so numbed to the anvil thunderstorm that is 7th Heaven that I'm dead. This is me recapping from beyond the grave -- whooooo. Scary, isn't it? The show, I mean. Not the ghost of me. Anyway, the Camdens take up the first two rows of pews and look a bit miffed. One twin leans forward; the other slumps deeply into the bench. Only Lucy has that gleeful, glowing, Stepford-wife look about her. It's like she got just laid or something. How very odd. Oh, wait. She did just get laid! And the world kept on turning. How very odd.

As Eric takes the pulpit, Annie cocks her head a bit, soaking up all the reflected glory. Kind of like how the drummer's girlfriend at a rock club does. They're both pathetic. Eric starts to sermonize about how the words "'I once was lost but now am found' mean so much," and how the congregation surely knows what he's talking about. The rolling chuckle rises, then fades, then rises again, then stops. Boy, that chuckle had legs. And thanks for spelling it out, Brenda. Eric sort of apologizes for his "absence" and thanks the crowd for their "patience." Um, the church didn't stop being a church. The congregation didn't stop congregating. I will probably never ceased to be amazed at the self-centeredness of everyone on this show, but for Eric to stand in the pulpit and make one Sunday mass all about him? Smite him, O Lord. Eric continues that he left the church "angry" (about his heart attack, I take it?), but now is even more aware of the forgiveness of God. He is "hoping" that Chandler...Hampton "can be forgiving as well." Because he was a dick, remember? Then he thanks his family for putting up with him. Then, he actually says, "Enough about me!" Thank...well, you know.

A member of the congregation stands up. He says ominously that Eric "didn't think [he] was going to get off that easily?" They have something to say to him, too. And to Chandler. They want to "apologize to both of [them]." For "trying to help." And that they were "blessed" for having RevEric in the pulpit, and now "twice blessed" for having Chandler...Hampton. So, "God bless [them] both." Applause rolls and swells throughout the church. Barf rises and swells in me. Then, the roof collapses on Eric's head. Eric makes a quip about how "some people say if they went back to church, the roof would fall in, but [he] never thought [he] would be the one to do it." Wow, it really IS all about Eric!

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7th Heaven




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