7th Heaven
The Anniversary

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Incestual Healing

Opening Credits Timewaster: Paris and Peter are making breakfast and staring at each other. They do this for a quite some time, as the list of guest stars is exceptionally, not to mention frighteningly, long today. It starts getting really weird, with them each stopping what they're doing to stare at each other and smile not just a little bit flirtatiously. Aunt Julie's name flashes across the screen, and I get really scared, but it turns out that she's not a guest star; she's directing this episode. I'm relieved, but not really, because then I remember that Aunt Julie directed another episode this season, and it was goddamn terrible. Finally, the mother-son bonding ends, which is good, because it was starting to give me an Oedipal complex. Peter starts talking up his dad, and how good he is at making pancakes after Peter spends the night with him at the motel. A night in a disgusting motel bed AND chocolate-chip pancakes made on the hotplate? Sounds like the perfect slumber party to me! Paris distributes some rock-hard pancakes to each of their plates and starts trash-talking Vic until she notices that it makes her son very upset. She asks him why, because she's a complete idiot who can't understand how her kid might not like it when she denigrates his father. Peter tells her about how Vic was planning to ask her out, and if she rejects him, "it will really break his heart." No pressure, though!

Asslee sees Mac and some other guy outside the movie theater, and her eyes bulge out in…I don't know…recognition? Excitement? I'm not even going to try to figure out what emotion Ashlee Simpson is attempting to express anymore. It kills more of my brain cells than her entire family collectively possesses, and I'd much rather kill those brain cells by drinking, thank you very much. Asslee asks Mac and the other guy where Martin is; he told her that he was spending the day and night with them. Mac says he doesn't have any plans with Martin today or tonight. In fact, he has a date. With Pampers? Or has he perhaps moved on to other, more desperate girls with even bigger problems -- like the girl with a sixth toe, or the girl who didn't have enough money to buy milk with her lunch one time. The other guy says that he also has a date, although he's not very convincing. He must be the unattractive, lonely friend in the group. Asslee pouts, I guess.

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7th Heaven

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