7th Heaven
The Babysitter’s Seduction

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In order to recap this movie, I had to purchase a copy of it from Wal-Mart, which sucked. I mean, the fact that I had to buy it didn't suck -- it was really cheap, so that was no problem. But the fact that I had to actually be seen purchasing a copy of The Babysitter's Seduction -- that sucked. I tried to be all inconspicuous about it and not attract any attention to my horrible-movie-buying self in the store, but I couldn't find any copies, so I had to ask a salesperson to help me. I was all, "Uh…yeah…I'm looking for a DVD." "What's it called?" he asked, looking up. I realized that he was a kid I knew from high school. "[sigh] It's called The Babysitter's Seduction." He said nothing, so I decided to clarify. "Um…I'm only buying it so I can review it, for my job…like, I'm getting paid to watch it, okay? It's not like I, you know, want a copy for myself or anything…heh heh heh." Anyway, he totally didn't care and directed me to look in the bargain bin, which was supposed to have one copy of the movie left. Of course, the bargain bin is huge and really tall, so I (not being the tallest person around, possibly even at a midget conference. It should be said, however, that I am not the shortest person at a TWoP conference. That honor goes to the nice woman who recaps the show that airs after mine, although she'll deny it if you ask her) had to bend over so that my feet were lifted off the ground to search through it, and I started sifting through this mass of, like, tens of DVDs, looking for the sole copy of The Babysitter's Seduction. Plus, I hadn't eaten dinner that night, so I was pretty hungry. After a while, some people took pity on me and kindly offered to assist me in my search, except that that would mean that they would have to know what I was looking for, which was unacceptable. Finally, the salesperson I knew from high school took pity on me and helped and he was pretty tall, so he could actually reach the bottom of the bargain bin, which was where the DVD was, and he found it and gave it to me. And then I bought it and charged it to my credit card because I didn't have enough cash on me, so now everyone at Bank One knows that I purchased a copy of The Babysitter's Seduction too.

And the DVD I got, after all that, is so budget. The case claims that the film is a "true story," which the actual movie never dares to say, because it would be such a huge lie. Plus, it has the tagline: "She was hired to watch over the kids. But who was going to watch over her." Now, that should end in a question mark, but they obviously didn't have the money to spend on the extra ink, so they just gave it a period. And then the DVD claims to have "Keri Russell bonus features," but when you click on it, it just has her filmography and some "trivia," like, did you know that Keri Russell starred in the video for Bon Jovi's "Always"? No, of course you didn't. Because you don't care. And did you know that Keri Russell once dated Scott Speedman, but is now dating Patrick Dempsey? It's true, according to this crappy "Lifetime True Stories" DVD. Oh, plus, the back of the case totally gives the entire story away. So I hope you really like this recap and that it's worth all the pain and humiliation I went through to write it.

We begin in a pool. Stephen Collins gets above-the-title billing, but Keri "Felicity" Russell and Phylicia "Clair Huxtable" Rashad have to settle for seeing their names after the title. I can understand why Felicity would get post-title billing, as this was made before Felicity, but I think Clair needs to get herself a new agent. A new agent who won't put her in bad TV movies. We go inside a bedroom, where Felicity is chatting to a friend on the phone about Homecoming. Apparently, the friend's date is refusing to pick her up and drive her to the dance. Felicity's advice to her friend is that she tell her date to either drive her to the dance, or they won't go at all. "Ominous" "music" consisting of three synthesizer notes plays. Felicity hears a noise and hangs up on her friend, saying that her employers are home so she has to go. She straightens out the sheets on her employers' bed so they won't know that she just spent the entire night lying on it instead of watching their children, then rushes downstairs. The words "Music by Jan Hammer" pop up on the screen. Whoa, seriously? Jan "Miami Vice" Hammer is doing the music for this movie? I thought he died the second 1990 started. This is going to be AWESOME. There's no sign of her employers downstairs, so Felicity searches around the house, which you know is a high-class place because there's wood paneling on the walls of every room. Suspense is intensified as twinkly chimes get integrated into the ominous music. And by "intensified," I of course mean "obliterated," because twinkly chimes do not instill a sense of imminent danger in anyone. Felicity walks down a hall and notices that a full-length window is open. Now she's really freaked out, so she goes to the kitchen and picks up the phone to call the police. Suddenly, some guy jumps up behind her. She screams, then smiles and calls him a jerk. Crisis averted, I guess, although there does seem to be a crisis of a different sort going on: Felicity's boyfriend has a bad case of Bard Hair. Bard Hair is what happens when someone with a high hairline, be it naturally so or due to frontal baldness, grows his hair long and then brushes it back, so that it looks like Shakespeare's hair in one of those paintings of him. Felicity's boyfriend has some wicked Bard Hair going on.

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7th Heaven

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