High School. Simon catches up to BritneyClone and asks her what's the latest about Claire Cleavage, the girl from last week who is rumored to be pregnant and claiming that Simon is the father since she used his dating service. Simon, in a burst of rationality, points out that even if he did do it with Claire Cleavage, he couldn't have gotten her pregnant that fast. BC exposits that everyone thinks Simon did the nasty with Claire last year in order to counter the "Virgin Camden" taunts. So let's review today's lesson, shall we? Don't go on dates with girls for money, because they will pay you to go on these dates and falsely claim that you had sex with them one year before the paid date ever happened, and you will be stuck caring for a bastard child for the rest of your life and your parents will ground you. Got it? Good. "Claire doesn't look like she's having a baby to me!" says Simon. According to BritneyClone, Claire Cleavage is probably pregnant because a) she has cleavage all of a sudden -- thus the nickname -- and b) she is wearing big clothes, presumably to hide some extra girth. "If she shows up on my front door claiming that I'm the father of her child after everything that has happened," says Simon, "my life will be over!" He vows to confront her.
Kevin and Ben enter Lucy's room in order to look for the hat. Yeah, I'm going to be typing a lot of sentences like that for the next few pages, because the hat plot is just not going to die. They discuss the fact that it's impossible that the twins took it, because they didn't have time to stash it. Ben wants to snoop in Lucy and Mary's room in the hopes that he can find "Mary's address or something." Kevin looks at him dubiously. "We've got to save the church!" says Ben. "Plus you're the one who told me not to give up so easily." He finally hits paydirt when he finds Lucy's diary and starts reading it. Oh yeah, like Lucy's diary is going to have any information on anyone else besides herself. Kevin tells him to put it down. Ben ignores him and starts reading. Kevin doesn't want anything to do with this, so he leaves. Ben continues reading. Jeez, you'd think Kevin would physically rip his girlfriend's diary out of his brother's hands, grab him by the balls, and drag him out of the room, but no.